Full Release: Movies


It’s movie time, ladies and gentlemen, as your favorite overpaid Hollywood douchebags spend more money than you’ll ever see in your life to get their whimsical dreams and revenge fantasies up on the big screen. This week, we have a fat Communist, some dancing teenagers, a robot Bruce Willis and a spaceship full of death. Let’s deal with it!

Pandorum – I’m pretty psyched for this Alien-derivative sci-fi horror flick starring Dennis Quaid and Cam Gigandet – the trailer rules, everything that’s leaked has sounded awesome, and it looks freaking amazing. One problem, though: they didn’t screen it for critics. Listen, studio marketing bees: doing this is just as bad as having it get bad reviews, especially for movies that are shooting for a niche audience. It’s not like this baby was going to live or die on the first weekend anyways, so let the critics have their say. It’s a testament to how good this looks that I’ll see it anyway.

Surrogates – If Pandorum is Aliens, Surrogates is Blade Runner – an awesome high-concept sci-fi epic set in a dystopian future. The gimmick is simple: robots are so advanced that people now just stay home and send them out to represent them in the real world. But when these “surrogates” start to act up, the nano-poo hits the cyber-fan. Based on an indie comic book, this also boasts a Bruce WillisVing Rhames reunion scene, and I’ll spend eleven bucks just for that.

Fame – If Pandorum is Aliens and Surrogates is Blade Runner, Fame is… Fame, I guess. Everything old is new again as a multiracial group of charismatic future one-hit wonders gather at a school for the performing arts to – perform! Artfully! The 70s original was rated R, but this new one has been knocked back to PG for the High School Musical crowd. On the positive side, this movie more than likely contains extremely hot chicks, including the delectable Naturi Naughton, so if your ding-dong is buying, this is probably what you’ll be seeing this week.

Capitalism: A Love Story – If Pandorum is Aliens and Surrogates is Blade Runner and Fame is Fame, Michael Moore is fat and hates America.