Another holiday is here, this one landing on the useless day of Wednesday, and maybe you’re looking around you at the shattered dregs of your family unit, your kids plugged into their Nintendo Sixty-Sixes and your wife touching another man, woman, or group of people in ways that she hasn’t touched you in ages, and you’re wondering “What can I do to pay tribute to America’s brave veterans and maybe unite us as a family again before the closing credits?” By closing credits, I mean death here. Well, look no further, broheim – Heavy.com has a list of Veteran’s Day activities that are sure to bring the magic of war to life in your own home. Let’s go!
- Visit an old folks’ home. Most veterans are either old or still in Iraq, and plane tickets to Iraq cost a bunch of money. So the best place to hunt down a still-living soldier is your local nursing home, where the horrors of combat have caused their body to succumb to something called “aging” – wrinkling their skin, shrinking their bladder and making them weak to daytime TV. But you can help them recapture their youth by reminding them of the glory days of combat in the ‘Nam or the ‘Rea or the ‘Ermany. I recommend bringing a stock of firecrackers, smoke bombs, and if they served in the Pacific Theater, maybe a manicurist or two. Get things hopping during Bingo and you’ll have a V-Day they’ll never forget! Or live through!
- Send a package to our boys in Iraq and Afghanistan. Yes, our Armed Forces are still bravely protecting the American way of life over in those desert ratholes, and they could use your support! Highly prized among the troops are back issues of Maxim (1997-2002, when it was still good), non-alcoholic beer bottles filled with real bear and re-capped, clean hand towels, and jumping spider repellent. Remember, it’s against the law to send pornography, drugs, or alcohol to a Muslim nation, so save that for the welcome back party. Unless you’re Muslim already, then I don’t know what you should do with it. Give it to Goodwill or something.
- Start a new war to make a whole new group of veterans! After all, if that pinko socialist Barack Obama has his way, America will fall behind in the race to screw up other countries with our high-tech weaponry, and that’ll mean lost jobs! Haven’t we lost enough jobs already, America? Hop on the first flight to a country where Americans aren’t particularly loved (that would be all of them except for Belgium sometimes), find the nearest undesirable element, make sure they can see the wad of worthless American currency sticking out of your back pocket while you make a cell phone call to your very rich father (who may or may not exist) and get yourself kidnapped! Once you’re in custody, incapacitate your attackers, dress in their clothing, and start making egregious demands to provoke a full-scale military response. Once the bombs start to fly, make your way home, turn on CNN and enjoy the fruits of your labors. Note: if Jack Bauer appears anywhere in a 10-block radius, it’s time to run. He hates this kind of thing.
- Play some Call of Duty. Every time you take a bullet, go out into the back yard and cry.