So, you need to pass a history report and the only way to do this is to go back in time and kidnap a bunch of famous people, or you need to get the hell out of Dodge because you just watched a bunch of Libyans shoot up the crazy old man who is your only friend. Or maybe you just want to go back in time to amaze and seduce peasant girls with your iPhone. We’ve all been there. The only problem is coming up with a way to make it happen. Well, luckily for you, we here at Heavy have compiled a handy list of time travel methods, each with their various benefits and drawbacks, for you to peruse. We do this because we love you.
As Seen In: Back to the Future
Benefits: Well, for starters, it’s always nice to have a car, especially one with doors that fold out like wings. Go back far enough in time and you can convince the village jezebel that you are a spaceman or a magician, and that all she needs to do is get in your spaceship and she’ll be freed from her boring life. Then it’s all just a matter of getting your jigowatt into her fluxcapacitor, and that’s all up to you.
Drawbacks: The thing runs on plutonium, and last time I checked, that stuff was even more expensive than oil, like five bucks a gallon. You don’t have that kind of cash to blow on chasing whores in the fourteenth century. And even if you do, good luck finding a place to gas up once you’re there. You might get laid, but you better hope it’s worth it, because you’re probably never coming back. Better get used to life as a blacksmith’s apprentice. It’s okay though, you’ll die of the plague in no time.
Recommendation: This should work fine, so long as you are just cruising back to the 1950’s and not the 1450’s. But even if that’s okay with you, you’ve got to be careful to avoid ending up naked in your teenaged mom’s bed. Unless that works for you, in which case, get the hell out of here and take creepy ol’ Doc Brown with you.
2. Phone Booth
As Seen In: Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure
Benefits: Easy to use. All you have to do is be able to dial a phone, and then the circuits of time do the rest. And unlike a DeLorean, you don’t have to worry about crashing into a barn or hitting a cow at 88 miles per hour.
Drawbacks: It’s a freakin’ phone booth. Good luck trying to come off as suave and sophisticated when you are spilling out of a phone booth that just materialized out of thin air. Plus, it’s cramped. Which means that if there is anyone else in there beside you, it’s going to get hot and it’s going to start to smell, and I don’t care how cool it is to talk to Abraham Lincoln, it’s not worth spending time in a small box that smells like one of Andre the Giant’s hangover farts.
Recommendation: A fast, efficient and cheap way to travel, this should work out fine, as long as you are willing to travel alone and don’t mind looking like a weirdo. Just make sure you dial the right number, or else you’ll end up in some lame time and place like the 1890’s. Boring as hell.
3. Weird Energy Bubble
As Seen In: The Terminator
Benefits: There’s nothing to hide. You just crouch down, and boom, you’re in the past. Plus, it gives you kind of an aura that a simple phone booth or a DeLorean just can’t match. One minute, there’s a weird electrical storm, the next minute, you are rising up like some sort of time traveling god.
Drawbacks: Well, uh . . . you’re naked. Sure, sure, this might expedite things depending on the purpose of your visit, but chances are you’ll need some clothes at some point. And unless you are a jacked robot who feels no pain, it’s probably going to be a little tough beating down a local and stealing his rags. Okay, sure, maybe you could take the village idiot, but then you’d just be dressed as the village idiot and good luck with that.
Recommendation: Unless you are comfortable walking around buck ass naked, there are probably better options. I don’t know, though, maybe you are a freak and are hung like John Holmes with elephantiasis of the penis. If that’s the case, have fun, man. If not, we here at Heavy cannot condone stealing some poor fool’s clothes, and therefore we have to recommend that you avoid this option.
4. Slingshot Around the Sun
As Seen In: Star Trek IV
Benefits: You get to fly in space, and hey, that’s pretty cool, right?
Drawbacks: You have to fly in space. And, last time I checked, that’s not cheap. You better really want to go where you’re going if you take this route. Sure, you still have all your clothes, and okay, you don’t look like a dork climbing out of a phone booth, but there’s a difference between giving the appearance of a space man, and actually being a space man. Everyone wants to get down with the mysterious stranger with the cool car. No one wants to screw ET, you know?
Recommendation: Good luck pulling this one off, Spock. This might seem like a good idea, but if it does, chances are good you need to put to down the vulcan spacebong. We’re just looking out for you.
5. Kidnapped By Aliens
As Seen In: Flight of the Navigator
Benefits: You don’t have to do anything. You just fall in a ravine or a ditch and then some weird alien comes along and picks you up. The next thing you know, you’re hanging out in the future.
Drawbacks: Getting kidnapped by aliens sucks. No one needs that. Sure, it’s kind of cool to see what’s happening in 2075 and laughing at the graves of all your friends, but you’ve got to deal with some creepy freak who sounds like Pee-Wee Herman. And besides that, if anyone finds you, they’ll just lock you up in some hospital and make you talk to a therapist. You don’t need to head to the future to make that lame reality happen. Just wander naked into traffic and shout obscenities and sure enough, it’s time for therapy.
Recommendation: Avoid at all costs. This is too dependent on the whims of some lecherous alien, and whenever that is the case, I make it a point to look for a better way. This might work if you are incredibly lazy or if you don’t mind being essentially just another animal in an intergalactic zoo. If that’s the case, knock yourself out, but don’t come crying to us when you are stuck in a cage next to some weird alien with an anus for a mouth while your alien captor giggles at you like he’s on goofballs.
6. Hot Tub
As Seen In: Hot Tub Time Machine
Benefits: It’s probably easier to find one of these than anything else on this list – just look for dudes with mustaches who like to get freaky.
Drawbacks: It transports you back into your actual physical body of the time, so if you’re looking to get revenge on a bully, be prepared to do it as your 8 year old self, which is kind of impossible. Also, how are you going to know which hot tub is a time machine and which hot tub is just a seething cauldron of bacteria and broken marriage vows?
Recommendation: Tentatively OK. Just be aware that the past kind of sucks and disinfect yourself afterwards.