I don’t know if you’re the kind of person who reads the news, or experiences the news, or believes in a world outside of the universe of professional nut-punching and extreme amateur sack-tapping. According to Heavy’s traffic reports, however, you are probably a male of approximately college age who spends most of his time touching his own penis and the rest of his time wondering about his place in the world. That last part isn’t true, but if you are of approximately college age, there are certainly questions you’re wrestling with as you struggle to establish your identity. “Am I a solid bro or a total douchefountain?” “What’s the least seriously I can take school and still make hella bank when I graduate?” “How do my pornographic viewing preferences reflect my childhood traumas?” And somewhere buried beneath all of those questions lies the ponderance: “What’s the deal with Israel and Palestine?”
That’s a normal question to ask, and you shouldn’t be ashamed. Imagine, for a moment, a delicious ice cream cake. Congratulations, you’re now effectively distracted from Israel and Palestine’s eternal holy war against one another! How can you expect to know what’s going on in that part of the world when it’s impossibly complicated, goes back to before history made sense, and at the same time a million other things are vying for your attention, like ice cream cake, and TBS’s hilarious new comedy, “Neighbors From Hell”? And now suddenly you’re supposed to have an opinion about a thing just because some people got shot on a boat in the ocean? You’re still trying to beat Alan Wake! Fortunately for you, I’ve compiled a primer on the situation that directly addresses the lumpen knot of nerve endings and prescription pills and food additives and pop-culture canon and sex tips and cheat codes you call your brain.
At the center of the Israeli/Palestinian conflict is a rock with magic powers, much like Transformers: The Movie. And, just as Autobots and Decepticons are both robots that can transform into cars, Muslim Arabs and Jewish Semites look pretty similar, and can transform into cars.
Muslims currently control the magic rock, as well as another magic rock, and are probably looking for a third magic rock that, when combined with the other two magic rocks, will grant them the power of the cosmos.
A bunch of British people, for whom anti-Semitism is a sport second only in popularity to soccer, and Turkish people, for whom the word “genocide” was invented, and who have suddenly decided that they are model international characters, sent six boatloads of FEMA trailers and angry hippies to Gaza with the intention of telling Israel to quit being such a hard-on about getting rockets launched at it.
Israel, who is committed to preventing Palestine from having anything new, ever, because they somehow find a way to turn everything they find into a rocket that they immediately launch at Israel, decided to intercept the group of ships. This was a complete waste of time, because Gaza doesn’t have a functional port and could not have unloaded the boats. Seriously, they would have arrived in Gaza and then sat in the water off the coast while the Palestinians looked at them with a proud and quiet longing that could only ever be captured in a film student’s graduate thesis documentary.
The passengers on the ships, realizing that the port would not be ready for the boats, decided to turn the Israeli interdiction on to the boats into a vivid recreation of a zombie panic, overrunning the descending Israeli commandos who had been armed with handguns and paintball guns, in case the passengers were using the power of the magic rocks to turn invisible. The Israeli commandos, convinced they were being attacked by pipe-wielding zombies with the power of invisibility, switched to live rounds and shot a few of the people who never wanted anything more than to hit a guy carrying a gun with a big stick, or beat him with their fists, or throw him off of a boat.
The biggest bone of contention in all of this: Did Israel have the right to board the boat while it was still in international waters, even though it had publicly and repeatedly declared its intended destination, Gaza, whose access by water Israel is guaranteed the right to control by the Gaza-Jericho Agreement? That is to say, Israel was well within its rights to board the boat, even though it was stupid and unnecessary, and now every country except for America is using this as an opportunity to pile on Israel. So good work, everyone, you all look like idiots! Except for me, of course. I look like a genius with a face full of ice cream cake.