StarCraft II is set to be released on midnight, July 27th, but many gamers will be playing unaware of the mythology into which they are entering. For those novices I have created a guide to the StarCraft universe which should get them up to speed on some of the most crucial details.
– The StarCraft universe is composed of three civilizations, each of which were crafted by a silent and mysterious God who spent several months balancing them so that none possessed a disproportionate advantage when engaged in warfare with the others, except for the Zergs, whom he gave the power to totally cheat.
– That God would later disallow LAN play so he could charge people extra to use his proprietary match-making servers.
– Command of the armies of these civilizations is given to a secretive introvert who spends most of his time in his room, masturbating and hating homework, his classmates, and his acne.
– The races are fighting for control of some gas, or control of the galaxy, or some other nerd garbage that no one cares about and is probably just some lazy allegory for oil.
– I think the Protoss are supposed to be like Macs, and the Terrans are PC’s, and the Zergs are like a million Chinese people with joysticks plugged into their VCR’s.
– In the game, players will assume the role of Terran rebel Jim Raynor, a gritty, disenchanted mercenary who travels the universe in the battlecruiser Hyperion, which he uses as a mobile library to educate children about the joy of reading.
– Don’t worry, all the female characters have huge, naked tits.
– The story’s about what you would expect from something that calls its novelization “The Dark Templar Saga”
– There are books out there that expand the StarCraft mythology even further, but isn’t reading a book about a videogame a lot like eating a picture of food? Except that it’s more repulsive to women? And better books cost the same or less? And you’ll never have read a third-rate novelization of what was already a formulaic retread of a million other space operas?