The mighty chestnut tree referenced many times by Anne Frank in her famous diary fell earlier today, the victim of high winds and a rotten trunk. Naturally, people around the world are saddened because the tree stood as a symbol of hope, a last refuge of happiness for Anne Frank while she was hidden away from the Nazis in an attic.
Of course, some would tell you that the tree was old – 150 years old – and that such things are sadly inevitable, but those people are sad sacks who fail to grasp the true significance of the tree’s tragic death. No, the truth is much more terrible, fraught with consequences that even poor Anne Frank never could have foreseen when she wrote about the tree over 65 years ago. Thankfully, our team of scientists at Heavy have teamed with historians and a German mystic who had no name and claimed to be one thousand years old, to determine just what those awful consequences are, and they tell me that if we can just get the message out before it’s too late, we might just save the world. So, here, for the first time, is what the death of Anne Frank’s tree means for the world.
Due to an ancient curse put on him by a gypsy near the end of World War II, Hitler’s spirit was trapped inside of a tree, much like General Zod was trapped inside of the Phantom Zone by President Jor-El at the end of World War I. Unfortunately, this tree was Anne Frank’s tree. It was picked to be Hitler’s prison because of “dramatic irony” according to one of the scientists. He explained to me what dramatic irony was but I wasn’t listening because the mystic was also trying to explain to me what they did for porn in the twelfth century. Apparently, they actually had to remember what a woman looked like – with the exception of the nobility, who could afford to commission high priced paintings when they saw a hot blond on the streets, but even those took days to finish and who has that kind of time to live with a painful erection? Truly, those were the dark ages.
Anyway, our historians managed to uncover some documents which state that now that the tree has fallen, Hitler’s spirit has been released. And after 65 years, that dude is pissed. I mean, sure, he wasn’t exactly the nicest guy in the world before he was trapped, but his spirit has had nothing to do but sit trapped inside of that tree and plan his revenge. Also, the mystic explained to me that he had a lot of free time to do “other” things and then he made a jacking off motion with his hands. It was at this time that I began to suspect that the mystic was obsessed with masturbation.
Within a week, Hitler’s spirit is expected to inhabit a host body, one that has been specially crafted for him by an underground team of Nazi scientists, scientists who are part of a secret society who have been waiting patiently for this day ever since their Fuhrer’s supposed “death” in 1945. Also, they are assholes because they tried to steal one of our top scientists by offering him a huge signing bonus and his “pick of the Jewish slaves”. You don’t even want to know what we had to do to convince him to stay.
This host body that Hitler will inhabit was modeled on the 1984 hit film The Terminator, which of course starred Hitler’s fellow Austrian, Arnold Schwarzenegger. It is believed that the Nazi scientists have managed to recreate the body of Arnold’s character, creating a being with a metal skeleton overlaid with organic tissue. That’s right: Hitler is now a Terminator.
Thankfully, we here at Heavy have long been preparing for this day – let’s call it Judgment Day for no reason in particular – and our scientists have managed to create a new type of humanoid, a “man” made of liquid metal who can make swords and knives and all sorts of cool crap with his hands. We won’t divulge where we got the inspiration for this brilliant idea, but we are confident that this liquid-metal opponent will kick Hitler’s robot ass.
After Hitler is beaten by our liquid metal robot, his spirit will once again be free to wander and we can’t have that. Therefore, we have tasked our mystic – if he can keep his hands off of his junk long enough – to perform a ritual that will trap Hitler’s spirit in another tree. The only problem is that it has to be the same kind of tree – a chestnut tree – as Anne Frank’s tree, and it has to be erected on the same spot so that Anne Frank’s spirit can watch over it. Oh, I forgot to mention that her spirit is trapped in the attic and watches over the Hitler tree as a sort of spiritual prison guard. This was just an oversight on my part and should not be construed as evidence that I am just making this up as I go along. I mean, please, this is all the merest of science.
Anyway, because of the particular nature of the prison tree, we at Heavy have already dispatched a team to the site of the fallen tree where they are furiously planting a new one. This new tree has been blessed by the mystic with a spell that will cause it to grow to the height of the old tree within days. So, fear not, gentle friends. By the time Robot Hitler gets his ass kicked by our liquid metal hero, his prison will once again be waiting for him and the world will once again be able to celebrate and admire the grandeur of Anne Frank’s tree.