Not being a football fan, the Super Bowl is mostly a waste of time filled with vapid pop culture, terrible music, and is, in general, the most overrated thing ever. Still, it’s going to be a serious bummer willingly sitting through the whole thing. Here’s four reasons why I loathe to watch the game, commercials, and half-time but will certainly be doing so come Sunday.
1.The commercials aren’t that good.
“Oh, I don’t care about the game, I just love the commercials! They’re soooooo funny. ”
— 44 percent of people
Source: I reckon
Pft, what’s to love?
Okay, sure, they’re better than average commercials, but for the most part, Super Bowl commercials are just really expensive attempts to make America guffaw at some guy getting hit in the nuts while a scantily clad goddess somehow makes eating cheese chips sexy. This is followed by a beer commercial where bikini babes hover around a horrible light lager that Americans only pretend is good because we’re not willing to admit we just like getting drunk and eating horribly unhealthy food like buffalo wings in ranch, nachos with sour cream, and steak covered in chocolate, bacon and heart disease.
Here’s a perfect example:
Alright, let’s just break that down:
• 2 people injuring themselves (one jumping out of a window, duct tape guy).
• 2 sounds of animals getting injured (a sheep and a cat).
• Censored sex at :19 seconds.
• Pepsi Next is just Pepsi with less sugar. Wow, that must’ve taken Pepsi scientists hours.
All in all, Super Bowl commercials are the best marketing around, but come on, they’re still just trying to sell you crap.
but I’ll watch the commercials anyway because…
It’s not that none of the commercials are worth watching or that they’re all sexist, crass, clichéd and thoroughly forgettable, just the vast majority of them. And while you can watch them alone online the next day, my heart isn’t so cold and dark I don’t like enjoying a fun evening of “Laughing at Corporate Advertising with Friends.” But seriously, the Super Bowl is pretty much the only universal cultural event. It’s the most watched thing. Period. Yeah, we can all mostly get behind New Years and Thanksgiving, but Super Bowl Sunday is the thing America comes closest to doing altogether, at once. That’s cool.
2. Half-time could be way better.
Not every half-time show is bad, I would never say that. No one can forget the magic that was the Janet Jackson debacle. The best part being the ensuing media firestorm pandering to prudish psychopaths disgusted at the fact that a human being kind-of-sort-of showed her milk-hole for a second. Still, the average Super Bowl half-time show is just a regurgitation of the most mainstream artist they can find. Do we really need to see Beyonce sing “Single Ladies” at Super Bowl XLVII? I think we all heard it enough when it played 400 times daily for three months. I’m a single guy and that song cuts me deep. Sorry, that got personal.
If it were up to me, I’d get someone that would really offend most of America’s tastes: Skrillex. Then, trade those dancers for some acrobats and add in some Revolutionary War re-enactors. That’s right, bring back some of America’s classic victories. Now, instead of watching a ubiquitous pop star screech on about how her man should have put some jewelry on her finger (a metaphor that I’m just not smart enough to understand), we’re watching a bunch of old dudes shoot blanks at each other while people with monkeytalents defy death. Now we can remember what really unites us as ‘Mericans: hatred of taxation without representation, rich untalented people, and hijacking words from different languages.
Plus, on account of the soundtrack, Nancy Grace (bottom right) will call dubstep “devil music,” which is really all anyone can ask for.
but I’ll keep Halftime in my sights because…
Well, I’ll keep only a left eye on Beyonce until Jay-Z pops in, but in the meantime, half-time is an ideal part of the game to get up and reload on beer and guacamole. You really want to take a lot more guac than you need because you know it’s going to run out before the end of the third quarter, plus people will talk to you and be like “Hey, can I get some of that guac, homie?” All of a sudden you go from sad dude eating way too much dip to a town square of free chip fixin’s because you stockpiled while everyone else had to catch Destiny’s Child making a mostly unwanted pop-in appearance.
3. The Instant Football Expert
There are three kinds of people who watch the Super Bowl: people who care about football and know about football, people who don’t care about football and don’t know about football, and people who don’t care about football but decide to pretend they have a Jurisdoctorate in NFL rules and regulations come Super Bowl Sunday. As soon as they arrive at the party, they go from sport illiterate to ex-personal advisor of Dan Marino. Desperate to impress, they wait for someone to say something informative and sportsy like “Oh, I’ll bet that flag is for delay of game.” As soon as they hear that, they repeat that phrase ad nauseum in a hopeless effort to seem like they know what they’re talking about.
Dude, stop. You’re not fooling anyone, and no one gets laid at Super Bowl parties anyway. It’s too early in the day.
but I’ll be at the party anyway because…
Some of the best bonding I’ve ever done has been over mutual dislike, and this dude will be the target. Plus, he grosses everyone out and that makes me look better.
4. Cold Hard Facts
Maybe you’re finding most of these reasons to be “overly generalizing opinions by someone who obviously doesn’t know much about football and is probably the exact person described in reason three.” Fine, I’m not *insert sportscaster here*, but I think there’s at least a few objective reasons to say the SB isn’t exactly what it’s cracked up to be. Car crash rates increase. So, the Super Bowl actually kills people! I mean it does provide joy to over 100-plus million people, but hey, I’m not here to refute myself. Not only that, the day also functions as just another celebration of gluttony as it is a day with the second highest food consumption in America. The first being Thanksgiving. Do we really need more obesity, guys? Okay, that’s two legit reasons. This could easily be published in an academic journal.
but not really…
Okay, fine, I don’t really hate the Super Bowl, but it’s not that great. Maybe I’m just jealous because the only sport I was ever good at was tennis and exactly 11 people care about tennis in the U.S. of A. Let me leave you on this, though — 100-plus million Americans tune in to the Bowl, what is everyone else doing? Seriously, who are all these MAJORITY of people who just don’t watch the game? Two hundred million people are watching the Super Bowl of Dogs or whatever?
I mean, I have no idea, but those people are weird. I mean, come on, who in their right mind doesn’t watch the Super Bowl? I just love the commercials. They’re soooooooo funny.