Celebrities

What’s Glenn Beck’s “Restoring Honor” Rally Really All About?

Glenn Beck Invisible Dick

By now, you’ve probably all heard about the rally Grand Dragon Glenn Beck has planned for the steps in front of the Lincoln Monument on Saturday, August 28.  The “Restoring Honor” rally has drawn fire both from people offended because Beck is holding his rally at the same place and on the same date as Martin Luther King, Jr.’s historic “I Have a Dream” speech and from people offended because Glenn Beck is, well, Glenn Beck.

Most people are predicting a sort of racist trainwreck, but we here at Heavy want to give Glenn Beck the benefit of the doubt.  After all, in his own words he is only trying to “reclaim the Civil Rights movement.”  Well, good for you, Glenn.  For too long the Civil Rights movement has been hijacked by, uh . . . wait, who are you pissed off at here, Glenn?  Black people?  Are you and your white hooded friends upset because the Civil Rights movement has been used to actually, you know, ensure that blacks people have Civil Rights?

No, no, of course not.  Glenn Beck and his goose stepping cohorts would tell you that this isn’t about black people at all but about “restoring honor”.  This, of course, is a coded phrase and since we here at Heavy are amateur linguists (some would say that we are indeed cunning linguists . . . ahem), we have decided to delve into this complex phrase in order to find out its true meaning.  This involved many different code breaking methods, some special acidic dye, an old eccentric Freemason who lived in a guarded castle in France, Dan Brown, Dan Brown’s family dog and six copies of the Bible.  But we finally broke through the code, and much to our surprise, this is what we found:

“Restoring Honor” = “Hey, let’s go back to 1855 ya’ll.”

We delved further into this explosive revelation and began hitting our history books to find out what was so special about 1855.  It seems that in January of that year, Lord Aberdeen was forced to resign as Prime Minister of the United Kingdom for his mishandling of the Crimean War.  Clearly, Glenn Beck and his The Birth of a Nation loving friends are just fervent supporters of Lord Aberdeen.

Still, a few of our researchers wouldn’t accept this explanation and so we hit the books some more.  And sure enough, we made a shocking discovery.  It would seem that on March 3, 1855, the U.S. Congress appropriated $30,000 to create the U.S. Camel Corps.  Aha!  Finally, we have found the root cause of Beck and his gang’s utter disdain for Congress.  They have never forgiven them for creating the U.S. Camel Corps.

A further glance at the history books reveals that a Hiram Beck, who we discovered was Glenn’s great, great, great grandfather, was thrown from a camel and dragged through the desert to his death.  He was the only man ever to die as a member of the U.S. Camel Corps and his body was never recovered.  Furthermore, Congress refused to recognize his death as military related because he was killed not by enemy combatants in a foreign war, but by a camel during peacetime.  Well!  No wonder Glenn Beck is so pissed off.

But that only explains Beck’s motives.  What about the rest of the Tea Party lunatics, er, I mean patriots?  Well, we did some more digging and we found that in September of 1855, the last Bartholomew Fair was held in England.  Indeed, it would seem as though the fair – which was held every year as the primary cloth sale in the kingdom – was outlawed in 1855 for encouraging debauchery and public disorder.  According to that old and venerable historical document, Wikipedia, “the fair featured sideshows, prize-fighters, musicians, wire-walkers, acrobats, puppets, freaks and wild animals.”

Well, of course they are pissed off!  Who doesn’t love freaks and wild animals?  The enemies of freedom, that’s who.  Plus, now people have to pay regular price for their cloth.  I mean, what is this, Soviet Russia?

So now we know why Glenn Beck and the members of the Jefferson Davis Preservation Society who follow him are so desperate to return to 1855.  They just want to live in a time before the U.S. Congress created the U.S. Camel Corps, and in a time when they could go to the Bartholomew Fair and buy cheap cloth and gawk at freaks.  And, by God, they just want to live in a world where Lord Aberdeen is allowed to run  the Crimean War as he sees fit.  Is that so wrong?

One of our researchers refused to accept this, even after the rest of us had decided to give up and go drinking (It was three in the afternoon.  We are not Supermen for God’s sake.  We have needs.)  He forced us to pour through the books some more and it would seem that there was another institution that was prevalent in 1855, particularly in the American South.

But, honestly, that one makes little sense.  I mean, why would someone who embraces the concept of slavery and a stratified society arranged along racial lines hold a rally at the Lincoln Memorial on the same date that our nation’s most famous Civil Rights leader gave his most famous speech?  I mean, that just doesn’t make any . . . oh.  Oh wait.  I see.

Nicely played, Glenn Beck.  Enjoy your little “Restoring Honor” rally.  Hopefully, you can get the U.S. Camel Corps disbanded after all these years.  But I wouldn’t hold your breath on the reappointment of Lord Aberdeen.  And, unfortunately for you, it’s 2010, not 1855 and no matter what you want or what you believe, there’s no going back.  So maybe you should just sit down and get the hell out of the way and let the world move on.

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