People are all up in arms because Paris Hilton reportedly received special treatment from the Las Vegas police after being arrested for cocaine possession. The biggest bone of contention (And Paris has contended with a lot of bones. Hiyoooo!) is that she was allowed to walk free after only three hours. Apparently, normally it takes six hours to process a coke whore, but in Paris’ case, they shuffled her ass out of there in half the time.
I can see why other cokeheads would be pissed off. I mean, they have places to be and people to bother with their terrible coke fueled ideas too. They don’t have six whole hours to spend coming down in a jail cell. But they have to look at it from the perspective of the brave men and women who wear the blue uniforms. They were dealing with Paris Hilton. There were serious health risks involved for everyone in that building. Here, for the first time, developed by our crack team of scientists (And again, by this I mean that our scientists are all on crack) is a timeline of just what would have happened if they wouldn’t have given Paris Hilton special treatment:
Hour 4 – Those closest to her – the arresting officer, the officer in charge of booking her, etc. – would have developed a severe and unexplainable rash, particularly in their groins.
Hour 5 – By this time, the rash would have spread to everyone in the building. No one wants to deal with prisoners howling in pain and begging for ointment, tearing their clothes off and thrusting red and itchy pelvises at guards dealing with their own terrible agony.
Hour 6 – By hour six, an outbreak of unexplainable sores would have begun. At first they would just appear around the lip area, all crusty and gross, and then they would spread to the genitals. It would later be identified as a form of “Super-Herpes”, a mutation of the disease particular only to Paris Hilton. Resistant to Valtrex, the only way to combat the “Super-Herpes” virus is by dousing the victim with Agent Orange and then setting them on fire.
Hour 7 – By hour seven, the building itself would have begun to degenerate, taken over by parasitic demons living inside of Paris’ vagina. They would have escaped like vampire bats and flown into every crack and cranny they could find, eventually weakening the structure until it was on the verge of collapse.
Hour 8 – By hour eight, the remaining survivors – those precious few who still had their sanity – would become haunted by the ghosts of Paris Hilton’s many ex-lovers, those poor men (and the occasional woman) whose spirits were utterly consumed when they made the mistake of coupling with that agent of darkness. They would haunt the entire building, moaning and crying, their spirits trying desperately to warn those around Paris of their impending doom. Terrifying stuff, especially because no one wants to be called “bro” by a ghost.
Hour 9 – By this point, every other prisoner would be dead, their bodies just withered husks, sucked dry of life by the insatiable Paris Hilton, humped to death in a desperate frenzy.
Hour 10 – By hour ten, the guards would be wandering around naked, sores all over their rash filled bodies, their minds ruined, their spirits haunted by the ghosts of Hilton’s conquests. All the other prisoners would be dead, and all Paris Hilton would have to do is just walk right out of the building, having wrecked that whole place like an STD riddled Terminator.
Hour 11 – By hour eleven, a team from the government would have arrived to quarantine the police station. They would encase the whole thing in concrete, leaving all the bodies inside so they wouldn’t infect the general population, and then they would encase the concrete in titanium and then set a 24 hour watch around the place complete with tanks and ninjas with bazookas.
Hour 12 – By the twelfth hour of this ordeal, a priest would have been flown in from the Vatican to perform an exorcism over the titanium encased haunted jail. This would take several hours to complete and would eventually age the priest well beyond his years. By the time it was over, the poor man would have lost his faith and would have defrocked himself and wandered off into the desert to die alone.
As you can see, the Las Vegas police did the right thing. If they wouldn’t have given Paris Hilton special treatment following her arrest, there would have been grave consequences. Many lives would have been lost, billions of dollars would have had to have been spent on cleanup, and a pristine wonderland like Las Vegas would have earned an unfair reputation as a seedy, disease ridden Sodom and Gomorrah. But thanks to those brave men and women, Las Vegas still stands today as a monument to good taste and family values and Paris Hilton is safely tucked away once again in her own hermetically sealed vault.