Full Release: Music

 

Oh my God, this one might just kill me. Every week, I do a roundup of the albums that are dropping – or at least the ones that matter. Usually, it’s no big deal, but for some reason the hypersteroidal release-gland of the music industry has decided to get a little runny on me and there’s fifty-one major or semi-major releases this week. Fifty-goddamned-one. And not a single hip-hop album among them. I’m going to have to keep this short and mean.

Tokio HotelHumanoid. Every time I see a picture of these German emo dudes that look like ladies, somebody’s just Photoshopped the living crap out of it so they look like wax dummies or something. I mean, I guess they could all just have really great skin maybe, but I dunno. They’re basically like the German Hanson but some people are into that. Those people have to register with the police department when they move into a new neighborhood.

Lita FordWicked Wonderland. You can kind of tell how old a dude is with one question: “Did you want to bone Lita Ford?” The one-time Runaway was the face of heavy metal hotness in the late 80s, but after metal died (suffocated by grunge), she laid low. But hey! She’s back, not only with a VO role in the upcoming Brutal Legend but with a new solo album. With guitar from her husband (Jim Gillette of Nitro), this looks cheesetastically awesome.

Steel PantherFeel The Steel. The house band at the Key Club on LA’s Sunset Strip have earned a well-deserved rep for metal mayhem, and although this debut release can’t hope to capture the hair mayhem of their live show, it’s sure to be a slab of ironic retro metal that you can double up with the Lita Ford record, drink a case of Natty Light and fling your Camaro into a ditch to. Plus the drummer’s name is “Stix Zadinia,” which should earn him a Nobel Prize for best metal name.

AirLove 2. Air is the most boring band I will admit to liking in public. Seriously, you could put any of their nine albums on and I’d be screwed if you asked me to identify it under penalty of death. It’s all very nice though. This will probably be… very nice, though.

EverclearIn A Different Light. What possible different light could make you want to listen to Everclear? That’s like saying “Well, in a different light, Rosie O’Donnell is kind of hot.” There is no known light in the entire atomic spectrum that could make this a thing that is any kind of real. Band frontdouche Art Alexakis is on his third lineup of support staff, but it’s not like it matters – you could get a couple homeless dudes, give them some tribal tats and they’d do just fine. I could do this all night.

Backstreet BoysThis Is Us. Well who else would it be? Slayer?