Stop It, Hollywood: Roland Emmerich

Certain actions (some of them completely absurd and unfounded in anything resembling real human behavior) have become so overused in movies and television that they’ve actually transcended being clichés to become parodies of clichés, which is just all sorts of weird. Even if a cease and desist can’t be issued against these incidents, the least we can do is complain about them. Here is an example of the kind of foolishness we never want to see on the big and/or small screen ever again.


Attention Hollywood producers. This week’s demand is neither complex nor unrealistic. It can be achieved with the slightest of effort. And it will take you all of two seconds to accomplish. No, this week we aren’t asking you to move mountains, as we often do when we demand things like removing the bras of actresses during sex scenes or ceasing with having actors touch photographs forlornly and/or nostalgically. No, this week’s demand is a piece of cake. This week we ask you to simply delete Roland Emmerich’s number from your cell phones.

Ya see, Roland Emmerich is no longer allowed to make movies. No. No more Roland Emmerich movies, ever again. Why? Because he keeps making the same goddamn movie over and over and over again. The guy keeps destroying the Earth. Yes. Roland Emmerich keeps finding bigger, more expensive and more obnoxious ways to film loud, tasteless and stupid imagery of major cities – usually beginning with New York, because that’s the only city Americans live in, apparently – being blown to smithereens, or freezing, or flooding, or being eaten by a giant lizard, or just kind of falling apart and imploding upon themselves. Don’t you think there might be something wrong with this guy? Don’t you think he might be, well, a little sociopathic? And it’s not like he’s making quaint little drama films. No, his latest film, 2012, cost ’round 260 million dollars.


Let’s repeat that: 260 MILLION GODDAMN DOLLARS.

Please don’t argue, Hollywood producers, that Roland Emmerich’s films make money. Come on. Do they, really? Sure, Independence Day made a ton. But Godzilla? The Day After Tomorrow? Were they really that big? Or, more importantly, look deep into your souls (we know you have them!) and ask yourself: Were they really any good, good enough to justify giving this guy more money than most people will see in 200 lifetimes so he can film images of the planet (starting with New York) getting the crap kicked out of it… again?

We ask you this. And we urge you… delete that phone number, and never think of it again.

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