Everyone likes to imagine now and again what would happen if they ran into their favorite action star in a dark alley following a long night of drunken debauchery. What? You haven’t? I refuse to believe that it is just me, and so for the first time, we here at Heavy are providing you with a glimpse at what would happen if you made the mistake of trying to tangle with the world’s top action stars. We’ll even throw in a guide explaining the length of your hospital stay following your encounter, just so that you can plan ahead because, you know, we’re cool like that.
Jet Li is the evolutionary Bruce Lee, a Chinese dude who seems like he could kill you with a flick of a wrist. He’s not someone who you really want to run into in a dark alley. But, to be honest, Jet Li’s preferred martial art of Wushu isn’t exactly the most terrifying of fighting techniques. Sure, the dude can still kick your ass, but you are more likely to fall into a coma while watching him do an extended routine befitting a figure skater or a gymnast.
Days Spent in a Hospital: 1, after you hit your head on the ground after falling asleep while watching Jet Li try to stick the perfect landing.
Mel was Mad Max and Martin Riggs. He went toe to toe with Jet Li and choked out Gary Busey. But let’s be honest here, shall we? Mel is just some old actor who gets taught some new tricks every time he makes one of his action movies. In real life, if you met him in a dark alley at two in the morning, the biggest thing you would have to worry about would be him taking out a lighter and a bottle of vodka and shooting a drunken fireball into your face.
Days Spent in a Hospital: 2, recovering from facial burns.
Statham has burst onto the scene as a version of this generation’s Jean-Claude Van Damme, a corny ass kicker who makes a million movies that feature him beating the hell out of a bunch of dudes and getting laid. His Oscar winning opus, Crank and its spectacular sequel, Crank: High Voltage, transformed our entire culture and forced us admit that it is indeed possible for a man to survive after falling out of a helicopter or after having his heart ripped out. That’s not a dude you want to mess with, and if you do, then you are probably an asshole who deserves to be beaten. And since Statham is an expert kickboxer, chances are that’s exactly what would happen
Days Spent in a Hospital: 7, during which time Statham would steal your girlfriend and beat up a street gang just for the hell of it.
I know, I know, Tom Cruise? But the dude is an action star, having starred in the Mission: Impossible series. The good news is that if you ended up in a dark alley with him at the end of a long night, you’d probably be able to stomp his 5’7″ ass. The bad news is that you would probably then be sued into oblivion until you admitted that Katie looks happy and that you were just being glib.
Days Spent in a Hospital: 0. Days Spent in a Lawyer’s Office/Courtroom: All of them for the rest of your miserable life.
Jackie Chan is, like Jet Li, the successor to Bruce Lee when it comes to Chinese dudes kicking tons of ass. But like Jet Li, Chan’s ass kicking ability is probably a tad exaggerated. I mean, really, a lot of what people remember when they think of Jackie Chan is his stuntwork, which is as much the result of his training in acrobatics as it is his mastery of Kung Fu. Of course, like Jet Li, Chan would still kick your ass though, using a combination of Wing Chun, Hapkido and Judo. If you mouthed off to him in a dark alley following a long night at the bar, chances are good you would be thrown like a fool by the clothes after being punched in the face.
Days Spent in a Hospital: 3, during which time you would be forced to recount to the doctors over and over again how your attempt to become the new Drunken Master went terribly awry.
Clint is an icon. He’s Dirty Harry. He’s the Man With No Name. He’s also 176 years old. You might be able to take Eastwood in a dark alley, but probably only after he collapsed after breaking a hip kicking the crap out of all of your sniveling punk friends. I hope you’re proud of yourself.
Days Spent in a Hospital: 1, spent visiting Clint in the hospital while he recovers from his broken hip and then another day spent recovering in the bed next to him after he chokes you out with his catheter.
Steven Seagal is well known for his arm breaking techniques in his thousands of critically acclaimed films, but if you ran into him in a dark alley, chances are good that Seagal would just get winded while trying to force you to punch in exactly the right spot so that he could use his aikido to twist your wrist. And then he’d probably spend the next hour or so trying to sleep with your girlfriend, and the whole night would end after she pepper sprayed him.
Days Spent in a Hospital: None, but at least you would have a funny story to tell.
Sly is Rocky Balboa and John Rambo. He’s Lincoln Hawk and Ray Tango. He’s John Spartan and some dude named Cobra. You know him, and you probably would be awestruck if you ran into him in a dark alley. The good news is, though, is that in real life, Sylvester Stallone is just some old man who likes to lift weights. He’s short and he just suffered a broken neck while filming a movie. Seriously, he’s a 63 year old man. If you fought him, he would probably crumble into dust or have a heart attack.
Days Spent in a Hospital: None. Days Spent in a Prison: 3-5 years for manslaughter following a stroke by Sly while you were pushing his poor old ass around. Man, you’re a jerk.
Jean-Claude Van Damme
You knew this one was coming. Van Damme is a black belt in karate and he’s also studied Muay Thai techniques, Taekwondo and kickboxing. This mean that if you ever run into him in an alley, you should probably just stand back and watch him kick himself into exhaustion, and then you can hit him with a garbage can or something. But really, you might laugh at Van Damme but he could probably kick your ass and then have sex with your girlfriend behind the dumpster while you cried and wondered whether it would be cool or not to admit that you just got whipped up on by Frank Dux.
Days Spent in a Hospital: 1, followed by all your asshole friends saying it was worth it just to say you had a fight with Jean-Claude Van Damme.
And finally we come to the man whose very name is synonymous with the action genre. He’s Conan. He’s the Terminator. He’s John Matrix. He’s the dude who, all by himself, smacked down the Predator. He’s Arnold. The good news is that he is an old man in a suit and he probably doesn’t work out too much anymore. The bad news is that he’s Arnold and you would probably piss yourself if he stepped to you. It’s okay, you can admit it. The worse news is that you would then get beat on by a bunch of secret service agents and would probably spend the rest of your life rotting in Gitmo.
Days Spent in a Hospital: Weren’t you paying attention? You’re going to Gitmo, buddy, and your family will never hear from you again. That’s what happens when you mess with Governor Terminator.