It really doesn’t matter what you think of all these horror remakes, ’cause they’re here to stay, and there will be more – many, many more. Here’s the latest “reimagined” scarefest from the Hollywood nightmare machine.
There are currently no plans to remake Hell Comes to Frogtown, seriously or otherwise.
We can only ask: Why?
The 1988 cult classic is a thing unto itself – so pure in its bizarre vision, so comfortable and confident in its strange and wonderful world, so unapologetic in its outrageousness. Rowdy Roddy Piper plays Sam Hell (ha!), a man hired by the government to journey forth into the post-apocalyptic wasteland and rescue a group of fertile women (a precious commodity in this particular post-apocalyptic wasteland) from mutant amphibians. Should he succeed in this mission, he is then to go to the next phase – bang every single one of them, get them pregnant and save the human race from post-apocalyptic extinction.
It’s a cinematic experience you won’t soon forget. You especially won’t forget Sandahl Bergman of Conan the Barbarian (and Red Sonja, at that) performing the “Dance of the Three Snakes” for a giant sweating frog, nor Roddy Piper saying things like, “Hey, you try making love to a complete stranger in a hostile mutant environment, see how you like it!” This is truly amazing stuff. The damn thing had three sequels, for Chrissakes! Why hasn’t some Hollywood executive swooped in and given this story the huge budget it deserves, the budget it truly needs to see its singular vision to its full potential? This is an IMAX 3D extravaganza if there ever was one, a summer blockbuster that would bust records to and fro.
So we say to the Hollywood Remake Machine: look not to the latest J-horror nonsense, or some lame ’80s horror flick that was hopeless to begin with. For the ultimate in horror remakes, look to something that needs another telling to make the cultural impact it was destined to spawn. Look to Frogtown. Watch the Dance of the Three Snakes if you don’t believe me.