Some teams refuse to accept their position in the bottom half of the NFL hierarchy, and they think they are not rebuilding but contending. And all these teams control the local media and get glowing special interest stories about the rookie who will make a difference on special teams that hasn’t been seen in 20 years, or the free agent acquisition who is going to make the defense as solid as the Steel Curtain, or the retread RB who will suddenly run like it’s 2005 again. But it is all lies with these guys; they are all doomed. Maybe not doomed to pick in the top five of next year’s draft, but doomed to not be as great as they’d like to make people think they could be. They are teams that have promising shining facets that they like to call attention to, to make you ignore the ugly assed glaring weaknesses that will ultimately be exploited like Sri Lankan child labor. Do Not Believe The Hype on any of these teams. The only playoffs any of them will be involved with are fantasy football playoffs the last three weeks of the regular season.
#20: CHICAGO BEARS
PERTINENT DATA: 7-9 last year; 30 to 1 odds to win Super Bowl XLV.
TEAM BRAIN TRUST: Lovie Smith is riding out the end of his tenure as official public goat this year, but if you mention the name Jerry Angelo to any die-hard Bears fan, they will spit on the ground and look at you angrily to see what you say next to decide whether to shank you or not. Jerry Angelo is like a less obvious Matt Millen as General Manager, but seemingly is unfireable.
FRESH BLOOD (new force on the team): You know, it’s really hard to understand how a team would let a guy like Julius Peppers go, regardless of how much money he wanted. With the historical anger that that Bears black jersey should instill in him, Julius Peppers should eat up QBs this year. Eat them.
DRUNKEN SOUL (most awesome force on the team): Personally, I think Brian Urlacher is one of the most overrated and most obvious douchebag dudes in the NFL. But he is still the heart and soul of this team, which is probably a contributing factor to why they suck.
THE DEION (most cancerous force on the team): QB Jay Cutler is a powder keg, ready to disrupt the world at any moment. Luckily for him, the Bears hired box of egotistic matches Mike Martz to be their new offensive coordinator. There is no way those two will go 16 games without serious lolols being induced for all non-Bears fans.
TEAM ELDER (longest tenured dude on team): Starting C Olin Kreutz and LS Patrick Mannelly both were drafted by the team in 1998, meaning pretty much everyone who hikes the ball on this team has been around forever. And will break your jaw.
WILD SAMOAN: There are a couple of Samoan warlords on this team, but only back-up LB Pisa Tinoisamoa played at Hawaii, and has “samoa” in his last name.
THE ICKY (best name on team): DT Israel Idonije is a black guy named Israel.
’80S MOVIE ANTAGONIST (most evil rich white high schooler name): If I only did this once for the entire league instead of each team, there’s a good chance that Bears LB Hunter Hillenmeyer would win the award.
RAP VIDEO JERSEY FANTASY (nonsense): There is only one choice… wear an alternate black #20 Barry Sanders jersey in a stolen cop car while pumping old Dayton Family tapes. It is such an obvious choice that I think I already wrote that, most likely because this particular rap video jersey fantasy is a recurring dream I have, and I end up having a menage-a-trois with my wife and a clone of my wife that’s 15 years younger.
NFLUMINATI KARMIC FACTOR (franchise’s psychic power within pro football): They are perhaps the most powerful NFLuminati team there is, without a doubt. I did some in-depth research into the psychic champs of the NFL from its first year a few years back, and just recently updated, and even with their recent mediocrity, the Bears have been psychic champs of the NFL double the amount of years than the second best franchise. Plus 5 factor.
CRYSTAL METH BALL: Hello 6-10, goodbye Lovie Smith.
#19: WASHINGTON REDSKINS
PERTINENT DATA: 4-12 last year; 30 to 1 odds to win Super Bowl XLV.
TEAM BRAIN TRUST: I will admit right here and now to you, loyal Heavy reader, that I am a Redskins fan. And as much as I’d like to believe the hype that Mike Shanahan is a genius and will turn things around, I am the guy who entitled these teams the Don’t Believe The Hype teams. The Redskins will never be good until Dan Snyder gets cancer.
FRESH BLOOD: Donovan McNabb comes to D.C. and gives the Redskins their first QB they can be proud to sell jerseys of in ten years. Hopefully he will not be hobbled by crippling ankle injuries all year long.
DRUNKEN SOUL: TE Chris Cooley is the ultimate fan favorite – a big goofy white guy living the dream of concussing himself for millions in the NFL. Plus he married a cheerleader, but not until he had sexual relations with two of them.
THE DEION: Even if you don’t hardly care about football, you probably heard of Albert Haynesworth. Ridiculously rich, doesn’t care, gets women pregnant, and rides off in his $100,000 speedboat, and still finds time to complain about how he’s mistreated.
TEAM ELDER: 2004 saw the arrival of not only Chris Cooley, but DE Phillip Daniels and RBs Clinton Portis and Mike Sellers.
WILD SAMOAN: DT Maake Kemoeatu, who slimmed down to 345 this offseason.
THE ICKY: Although he is well known as a high profile sucky former starting QB in the NFL, sometimes you have to just step back and acknowledge what a hilarious name Rex Grossman is.
’80S MOVIE ANTAGONIST: In real life, London Fletcher is a rock solid brother who holds the defense together and does tons of charity work. His name however, suggests that this is all an elaborate plot to steal money from orphanages and buy himself a yacht shaped like a Corvette that he’ll power with Michael J. Fox’s blood.
RAP VIDEO JERSEY FANTASY: As a Redskins fan, I can honestly say there is only a #44 John Riggins jersey, and it should be in home white, and you should be driving pimped out Geo Tracker, playing go-go music.
NFLUMINATI KARMIC FACTOR: The Redskins are also a high level NFLuminati team, always receiving favorable press. Dan Snyder is kind of testing that though, as ten years in he has not quite learned how to be part of the Brotherhood. Plus 4 factor.
CRYSTAL METH BALL: 6-10, and a last place finish in the NFC East yet again.