Sometime last week, T-Mobile customers using Sidekicks, a glamorous group including luminaries such as Paris Hilton, Perez Hilton, and Fred Durst’s dick, began to notice that their cell phones no longer held their collection of pictures of them posing with bottles of Patrón or showing their tits to the mirror. What’s more, they no longer had any of their phone numbers, text messages, or anything else that you might usually expect a phone to have. This would be a disaster for any phone company, but is especially so for one whose consumer base aspires to live the rocking rock life of Blink-182. While these idiots vent their seething internet rage at Catherine Zeta-Jones and wonder how they will now be able to pay their child support bills, the real culprit, Microsoft, is taking heat from nerds. But this time, the nerds are absolutely right.
Microsoft flat-out bought the company that handles all of the Sidekick’s ridiculous data architecture (everyone’s data is stored on Microsoft’s servers, not on the phones, which can get dropped in toilets, lost in piles of cocaine, or dropped in cocaine-filled toilets) and is responsible for maintaining it. This isn’t just a “Microsoft makes stupid crappy Windows Blue Screen of Death LOL,” this is a Microsoft doesn’t know how to run a functional IT department, which is, among nerds, categorically epic fail. It’s like when a football player injures themselves celebrating a touchdown, or when you accidentally pee yourself when you’re talking to your ex-girlfriend about how you don’t have a drinking problem. How could a company that aspires to be the next Google let such a disaster happen?
The most prevalent theory out there right now is that when Microsoft bought Danger, the company that ran the Sidekick’s data service, it replaced everyone there with a skeleton staff of, literally, Haitian voodoo undead skeletons. The House of Gates then tried to get the old Danger programmers to work on their secret new project, codenamed Pink, which, according to a Wikipedia page I just edited to say this, is some project to install touchpads in tween vaginas to facilitate backseat fingertexting by their screamo skater boyfriends. And then? Profit.
Naturally, everyone on the project bailed as soon as they heard this, because screw Microsoft, and because Microsoft’s competitors will pay you extra just to not work at Microsoft, and give you candies that taste like exotic fruits. When a data disaster struck, no one was left who knew how to handle it, and one of the skeletons was just clicking Yes on all of the dialog boxes that popped up and whoops, there goes a million people’s data, and all the backups, and they accidentally set fire to the room with the old tape backups, and someone put the spindle of DVD backups in the microwave because they saw a video on the internet. The problem with this theory is that it seems sort of blindly racist towards Haitian IT skeleton zombies who, really, are just like us only not alive anymore.
The next theory purports the existence of a hacker, presumably a disgruntled worker familiar with the hardware backups in place, leaving a “time-bomb” of code which destroyed everyone’s data, but probably not before leaving said hacker with a mountain of blackmailable material. Hell, even people’s contact lists are extortable data at this point. In all likelihood, if this is the actual scenario, Microsoft and/or T-Mobile are negotiating with the hacker right now, in which case all the data will magically reappear in the next week or so and Microsoft will pretend like it just threw a ton of money at upgrading the data center to prevent a failure like this from happening again.
This is a cute theory if you also believe things like The United States Government Did WTC and There Is A Team of Conspirators Hiding Child Pornography On My Computer, which may be true, but no one will ever believe you. And then it’s also possible that some hacker did it just to be a dick, in which case, welcome to the cool nerds table, dick.
The last theory, which no one but me has come up with and which makes me a brilliant but dangerous boy genius, is that somehow a rogue Higgs-Boson particle has gone back in time and taken a hot piss all over the Danger datacenter to prevent scientists from ever discovering the Higgs-Boson particle. “What?” you’re probably thinking. “Particles don’t piss hardly ever.” Nice theory, friend, but dead wrong. According to no less an authority than the New York Times, Higgs-Boson particles routinely go back in time and screw up machines and presumably, by extension, the lives of the scientists whose job it is to uncover the hidden mystery of the Higgs-Boson particle, in order to prevent their discovery.
What if, in a fit of trying to share data in the cloud and look cool in front of their teenaged daughters’ friends, some of the scientists working on the super-collider used Sidekicks to keep in touch? You’d hope that a nuclear physicist would know better than to use a cell phone designed to keep Lady Gaga abreast of what her vagina is doing at any given moment, but nerds can be ridiculously narrow in their focus, and pathetically ignorant of matters outside their field, like how to talk to women. (Suck it, nerds.)
All it would take is one particularly insightful text message or useful phone number and a Higgs-Boson would be dispatched into the past to destroy whatever machine was responsible for it. And if that machine was a highly decentralized automatically-load-balancing cloud of super-redundant data clusters, and not just some guy’s SIM card, you can hasta la vista the whole freaking network, because Higgs-Boson doesn’t take no for an answer, and doesn’t say goodbye, he just leaves in the night, like a whisper in the dark that breaks your phone and costs a hundred million dollars to fix.
The net result of all this is that, like everything, this is a nerd’s fault. The only solution is for cool people to throw their now-worthless phones at whatever nerds they can find until one of them fixes it. If you are a nerd, you should probably work on fixing this, unless you like to collect crappy phones that can’t even sync their data with computers, in which case please stay away from me, nerd.
Full Disclosure: My phone is a magic “cool phone” from future Canada that uses augmented reality to let me see women’s underwear.