Many people have an emotional attachment to the moon. Some see it as a big pizza pie representing love; to others it’s a key player in their most memorable Pink Floyd concert experiences. Still others menstruate. However, setting aside all Hallmark-style sentiment, it seems clear that we – meaning the United States and not the Communists – should, at long last, blow up part of the Moon.
NASA, which stands for Need Another Sarcastic Acronym (just kidding!) says it’s going to find out if there’s any water under the lunar surface. How? By shooting a rocket directly into the south pole of the Moon, creating a six-mile-high plume of rocks and debris. After that, they will bring the rocks back to Earth and try to drink them. If it’s refreshing, they will have their answer.
This plan has generated a lot of outrage among people who shop at Whole Foods and grind their own coffee beans. However, there are a host of reasons we should irreversibly alter the shape of the moon with explosives, and finding water is just the easiest one to fact-check.
REASON 1: BLOWING THINGS UP IN SPACE TAKES BALLS. Not just anybody can blow things up in space. With the historical landmark of Barack Obama being elected the first black President of the United States, what better way to show everyone in the world that he means business than to blow the ass out of the moon? Before you think of an answer, here’s reason two.
REASON 2: THERE MIGHT BE AN OBELISK THERE. It’s possible, and if it’s true, it has massive implications for fans of Arthur C. Clarke and LSD, in that order.
REASON 3: THE MOON COULD STAND TO LOSE A FEW POUNDS. I’m not saying that the Moon isn’t beautiful. The Moon is gorgeous. But it used to be so slender, and now it’s just a little bigger around the middle. Slightly. Don’t get me wrong, I love the Moon no matter what it looks like. All I’m saying is it wouldn’t hurt for it to lose just a couple of hundreds of thousands of pounds. I know I have my own indulgences! I never said I was perfect. Look, this isn’t about me.
REASON 4: THERE MIGHT BE CRAZY WATER. The water under the Moon’s surface might not just be potable, it might be crazy. Crazy water is not healthy to drink, but it sells better than slutty ice cream. Can you imagine Tony Hawk sponsoring it, or that snowboarder who looks like Carrot Top? Boom, the economy’s back on track, overnight. This is definitely a factor.
REASON 5: WE MIGHT END UP WITH TWO MOONS. This is possible. It might affect the tides and the reproductive cycles of every living thing on Earth, but if it didn’t? Two moons! Who wouldn’t love to take a photograph of two moons? Photoshop doesn’t cut it, it always comes out looking fake. Also, this would make lots of people feel better about the name of the sandwich Moons Over My Hammy.
REASON 6: YOU GOTTA DO SOMETHING. You can’t just sit there, man. The International Space Station is still going strong, but you can only budget so many taxpayer dollars for the study of toilet-flushing, spiderweb-weaving and astronaut-humping in zero gravity. Eventually people are going to get wise. You gotta do something, so messing up the moon is an awesome idea. And don’t bring up Mars, because that’s still a sore subject. Not gonna happen. They did the math, and it turns out that it was all just made up by Bush after he accidentally mixed his Zoloft with three Tom Collinses.
This is not to say there aren’t inherent dangers in blowing up the moon. It’s not even to say that the dangers don’t outweigh the potential rewards. And it’s not meant in any way to imply that blowing up the Moon won’t certainly be the final arrogant act that ushers in an era of cosmic, karmic armageddon for all of humankind. However, tsunami videos are pretty entertaining, so let’s roll the dice. Most people drink berry-flavored water anyway – how much worse could Moonwater be? Let’s tape an M-80 to the Moon, light it, and run for cover behind our dad’s pickup truck. Dean Martin’s not around to complain, NASA could use some fireworks on the evening news, and Osama Bin Laden will probably surrender right away. It’s a no-brainer. Let’s blow up the moon.