So retailers nationwide are pleased that holiday shopping exploded with a bang on Black Friday and it’s e-sister Cyber Monday, with 195 million Americans doing some shopping either online or in brick and mortar stores over the Thanksgiving weekend. But with every triumph comes a tragedy. Black Friday, as you may know, was named by cops as a reference to the chaos and public mayhem of the day, and this year was no exception. What follows is culled from the police blotters of cities and towns across America, the tragic toll of Black Friday.
- Niskayuna, NY: A seven year old girl with a rare form of dwarfism was killed on Friday when she was mistaken for an American Girl doll and torn between two frenzied mothers. The American Girl company announced that they would be producing a commemorative doll based on the tragedy.
- Valley Stream, NY: After the trampling death of a greeter during last year’s Black Friday sale, Wal-Mart employees were outfitted with tasers to control crowds. However, this plan backfired when two stockroom employees had an impromptu “tase-off,” resulting in one fatality and one severe charring of the nipple area.
- Peoria, IL: Six people were killed in an EB Games when a sales clerk, having sold his entire stock of Nintendo DS and Sony PSP systems, tried to convince a crowd of impatient shoppers that they should consider purchasing a Nokia N-Gage instead.
- Chico, CA: One shopper was killed on Saturday at a Price Chopper when, during the middle of a particularly intense price chop on Pepperidge Farm gift boxes, had her arm severed at the shoulder. She bled to death before paramedics could make their way through all of the great values.
- New York, NY: Upset at his inability to purchase a Nintendo Wii for Nicole Richie’s baby on Black Friday, celebrity DJ Adam “DJ AM” Goldstein commits suicide a few months ago.
- Bend, OR: A single father attempted to buy the vibrating Harry Potter broomstick as a novelty gift for his estranged wife, only to be told that Amazon.com no longer sold the toy. The man attempted to build his own version of the device from a dozen C batteries and a bedspring, and was fatally electrocuted.
- Your Hometown, USA: Your Grandma had a heart attack when she decided to Google you to find ideas for your Christmas gift (or Hannukah gift) and found your old Myspace page from back when you thought electroclash outfits were cool. Our condolences go out to your family. Take that photo down if you haven’t already.