Comedy

5 Things That Make Me Proud To Be An American This Week

April Fool's Day

Let’s get this out of the way: I hate April Fool’s Day. I hate it with the white-hot fury of a thousand burning suns. I hate it in the way that the rest of Latin America hates Mexico. I hate it like fat kids hate P.E.

I hate it because there is absolutely nothing worse than Tries-To-Be-Funny-But-Is-Actually-Slightly-Less-Funny-Than-Pancreatic-Cancer Guy. You know this Guy: he sits behind you in Geology or his cubicle is right across from yours. Maybe he works the shake counter at the gym. He’s unfunny – which in and of itself isn’t a crime – but he’s convinced that he’s the next Louis C.K. and that he needs to share his gift with the world.

Every meeting or class or workout or massage therapy session you sit through with this guy turns into the worst episode of An Evening at the Improv imaginable.

April Fool’s Day is like the first day of hunting season for these assholes. God forbid you needed any news or rumors or honest-to-goodness entertainment from the internet on April Fool’s Day. Let’s just rename it Stupid Ass Pointless Hoax Day and get it over with. I mean, isn’t the entire point of a hoax to get people to believe you? To trick people? Then why wait until Stupid Ass Pointless Hoax Day to share it with everyone? Why not spring it on some random Thursday in August?

Oh, wait, then it might have a chance to be funny.

Wrestlemania

A litmus test:


Now, choose which reaction most closely matches your own:

  1. It made me want to bodyslam the first foreigner I can get my hands on
  2. Violence is never the answer
  3. Man it’s been years since I watched The Princess Bride
  4. Meh

While there are no wrong answers, some will generate a red flag with Homeland Security and TSA and you might get pulled aside for a random cavity search next time you’re at the airport. But that doesn’t make those answers wrong in the cosmic sense. Just incorrect when viewed through the lens of modern American mores. Or maybe even “misaligned”.

But not wrong.

Ah Yes, Utah

The only thing better than being an American is being a better American than the guy next to you. Or your neighbors.1

Actually, there is one thing better that even that. And that’s letting everyone know just how much of a better American you are. Because that’s what you have to do in today’s world. You need to lead by example. This means that when someone else does something you don’t approve of, you need to let them know. Publicly.

See, here in Utah, the most American state of all, this is how we do things. You might be inclined to think that the official pastime of the state of Utah would be something like skiing or mountain biking or plural marriage, but it’s not. It’s actually telling everyone else how much they suck at being American.

And apparently, right this second, no one sucks more at being American than the public schools in Alpine, Utah. These socialist homosexual liberal conspirators had the audacity to teach kids that this fine God-fearing nation of ours is…a Democracy.

Now, yes, I know that we actually live in a Republic. But is this really where we want to go next? Are we, Americans, prepared to go on the internet and AM talk radio and, with a straight face, tell the world that

We can clearly see the erosion of our rights to life, liberty, and property over the past several decades as this notion that we are a Democracy has taken a more prominent place in our education system.

So, all this time and Democracy was the enemy all along? Not the Communists or Eurasia or the Red Sox, but Democracy?

I mean, yeah, George Washington should have accepted the Crown of the God-King and ruled America for a thousand years from high atop his impregnable sky-fortress above Philadelphia, but he didn’t. And that’s no reason to hate on Democracy. That’s just silly.

- – -

1. Especially that Croatian family that just moved in across the street.

Cape Fear

There is zero way I can summarize this any better:

The North Carolina Medical Board says doctors and interns at Cape Fear Valley Medical Center attempted to induce labor on a patient, but when that didn’t work, they performed a cesarean section only to find out there was no baby.

This works on three levels: the first is that is some excellent usage of the inverted pyramid. Read it again. That’s the first paragraph of the story. This is the writer saying You don’t need to read any further. No, really, I got this, thanks. You’ve read and absorbed and digested the entire goddamn story before you get to the first period.

The second is Cape Fear itself. Why would you go to a hospital that’s in Cape Fear, much less any one that actually has the words Cape and Fear in its name? If you go to the hospital in a place called Cape Fear this is the kind of stuff that happens. Of course they’re going to cut you open and not find a baby inside. This woman’s lucky they didn’t open her up and find a goat in there.

The third thing is the fact that they cut an ostensibly pregnant woman open and there was no baby inside. I don’t buy this at all. Did they somehow lose the baby and this is the cover-up? Did the baby run away? Are there dingoes in Cape Fear? These are the questions that the police need to be asking. They’re not, though, because I’m sure the sheriff of Cape Fear is like Christopher Walken or Lance Henriksen and he’s probably up to his eyeballs in dealing with stuff like that coven of witches at Cape Fear High School1, those human sacrifices in the woods behind the Circle K last week, and the fact that the Chupacabra is back in town.

So, yeah, he’s got bigger stuff to worry about than some disappearing baby.

- – -

1. Home of the Colts. Probably the most disappointing high school mascot in America.

Two And A Half Men

Fresh out of rehab, Charlie Sheen is atoning for past transgressions. It came out this week that he wants to kill Two And a Half Men, which would, like, be amazing. If this happens, there’ll be a big-assed viewing party at my house the night the last episode airs.

We’ll have a blast: everyone will get loaded and then watch the show; afterwards we’ll take a VHS tape of the last episode outside and shoot at it (preferably with assault rifles) and then probably set it on fire. Then if everything’s going according to plan we’ll go full Bohemian Grove and all get naked and run circles around the fire and commune with nature and more or less carry on like the Ewoks at the end of Return of the Jedi. But less gay.

It will be amazing and weird and I am counting the days. But. There’s always a chance that something dumb will happen or Charlie Sheen will change his mind or need money for alimony or whatever, so we need a backup plan. That’s where this comes in:

Do it for America. Do it for your children, and your children’s children. But most importantly, do it for me.

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