Comedy

American Apparel’s Hiring Criteria

American Apparel

American Apparel has been the subject of heated debate on the internet after a memo from CEO Dov Charney containing the trendy clothier’s hiring policies was leaked onto the internet.  Here are some of the more scandalous rules.

  • New hires must have been, or be willing to be, haunted by horny ghosts.
  • New employees must be willing to watch me, Dov Charney, play Duck Tales for the NES and pretend not to notice that I’m using a Game Shark.
  • Hires must be cool with being ‘centipeded’.
  • Is the candidate a dude?  Is he wearing shorts and loafers with no socks?  Is that a hot thing right now?  Make sure you ask.
  • Does the candidate thing Highlander was the best TV show ever?   It’s ok if they don’t, but I really love Highlander.
  • New hires should present themselves in a manner befitting the image and standards of American Apparel.  That’s a fancy corporate-speak way of saying to slut it up, ladies.
  • Has the candidate ever been cut in the face, with a knife?  That’s a big plus, fashion-wise.
  • Just because the hire is gay doesn’t mean he has to have his bitchface on all the time, unless he works for American Apparel.
  • Does the candidate like to party?  (Offer them a bongload of PCP,  drive them to my office and make them watch while I feel up a fat Honduran seamstress.)
  • Hires must promise not to leak internal memos on the internet except to a selected list of hip fashion and gossip blogs.
  • Is the candidate authorized to work in the United States?  No?  Great, then they can’t bitch when I make them show me their boobs.
  • When considering new hires, never forget our founding mission: to consistently distract investors from the unfeasibility of manufacturing clothing in the U.S. by getting involved in numerous unnecessary scandals about sexy things like nipples and camel-toes.
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