American Apparel’s Hiring Criteria
American Apparel has been the subject of heated debate on the internet after a memo from CEO Dov Charney containing the trendy clothier’s hiring policies was leaked onto the internet. Here are some of the more scandalous rules.
New hires must have been, or be willing to be, haunted by horny ghosts.
New employees must be willing to watch me, Dov Charney, play Duck Tales for the NES and pretend not to notice that I’m using a Game Shark.
Hires must be cool with being ‘centipeded’.
Is the candidate a dude? Is he wearing shorts and loafers with no socks? Is that a hot thing right now? Make sure you ask.
Does the candidate thing Highlander was the best TV show ever? It’s ok if they don’t, but I really love Highlander.
New hires should present themselves in a manner befitting the image and standards of American Apparel. That’s a fancy corporate-speak way of saying to slut it up, ladies.
Has the candidate ever been cut in the face, with a knife? That’s a big plus, fashion-wise.
Just because the hire is gay doesn’t mean he has to have his bitchface on all the time, unless he works for American Apparel.
Does the candidate like to party? (Offer them a bongload of PCP, drive them to my office and make them watch while I feel up a fat Honduran seamstress.)
Hires must promise not to leak internal memos on the internet except to a selected list of hip fashion and gossip blogs.
Is the candidate authorized to work in the United States? No? Great, then they can’t bitch when I make them show me their boobs.
When considering new hires, never forget our founding mission: to consistently distract investors from the unfeasibility of manufacturing clothing in the U.S. by getting involved in numerous unnecessary scandals about sexy things like nipples and camel-toes.