Comedy

Finding Out Whose Ass To Kick

Barack Obama Kicking Ass

This article is presented verbatim from a document presented to us by White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs from the desk of President Barack Obama.

“It’s no secret that the President of the United States will kick your ass. As the current holder of the title, I personally guarantee it. Every president has had to kick people’s asses, even that cripple Roosevelt. Actually, they say he kicked people’s asses even harder because he had soldiers swing him at people, which gave him more momentum. Of course I’m joking, saying the president has to kick people’s asses is only a metaphor, except for when it’s a literal truth, such as in the case of Roosevelt, or in the case of Reagan, who kicked people’s asses with the help of a chimp sidekick.

It’s an interesting true story that in the chimp sidekick’s declining years it became increasingly senile and started kicking the asses of people who’s asses Reagan hadn’t found out he needed to kick, but being the sentimental type Reagan didn’t have the chimp replaced and instead just spent a lot of time saying “NO” to it whenever it would kick the wrong person’s ass, which inspired the language of his wife Nancy Reagan’s anti drug campaign in the early 80’s.

I’ve said during my life that I don’t sit around just talking to experts because of a college seminar, and that we, my administration and I, talk to these folks because they potentially have the best answers so I know who’s ass to kick, which is something I’ll tell any reporter because I’m deadly serious about it, as deadly as any ass kicking can be, which if you aren’t aware of this is disturbingly more deadly than you might initially think. Oh, sure, first you think to yourself that because your butt is so heavily padded with fat there’s no way too much damage could be done, but you’d be amazed at how easy it is to die from blood loss when your butt is kicked so hard that the concussive force travels through your midsection and sends your crotch flying off your body.

Then there’s, of course, the technique of kicking the butt with such great precision that the Presidential foot travels all the way up the guy’s ass, which is deep, prosaically considering the location at that moment of the foot within the human body, at least when I do it, because I am strong, and also is poetically deep, which is a subjective description but that’s just how I feel about it when I do it.”

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