In the last decade, for some strange reason, traveling overseas has become an adventure for Americans. And we here at Heavy believe in giving you the tools to survive any adventure. So no matter where you are in this big, bad world, keep these words close to your heart and you will find yourself safe on the other side… probably.
1. Travel In Style
Sure, your options are limited when it comes to how you’ll get there – airplane, luxury cruise liner, tramp steamer, raft made of reeds, etc. – but once you arrive, you should demand that you are provided with the best of whatever that third world dump of a country has to provide. This means requesting a Stretch Hummer Limo. If they claim that they don’t have one available, raise hell and tell them that you did not bail them out of World War II just so you could be carted around in a rickshaw.
2. Know How To Communicate
Ignore anyone who doesn’t speak English with you. They all know how. And if they don’t, just speak really slowly and loudly. If they still refuse to communicate in The Language of the Lord, just shake your head at all their clicks and whistles and move on. Someone will eventually help you. After all, you’re an American and you saved the world from Nazis and those weird aliens from Independence Day.
3. Don’t Be Afraid To Demand Something
Just because all their old castles and ruins haven’t been kept up to code over the centuries doesn’t mean you should have to suffer. Why take a bunch of winding stairs? Again, you are an American and you have earned the right to ride an elevator or at least an escalator to the very top of Castle Grayskull or whatever the hell they call their thousand year old dust traps.
4. Respect The Local Customs
Some of these might seem strange to you, but it’s important to show the third world heathens that you respect their ways. For example, if you find yourself in Thailand or, really, in any part of Southeast Asia, just march down the street drunkenly screaming “Suckee suckee, five dollah!” and then call everyone Chong. It might not feel right, but that is just their way.
5. Teach The People
You are an American, and as our greatest President, the noble Spiderman, said, with great power comes great responsibility. The naive and savage natives you might encounter in backwater villages like Paris or London are just aching to be civilized. Teach them the fundamentals of our Constitution and about how the right to see a doctor is really a Communist plot. They might try to argue with you, but just remind them that you personally stormed the beaches of Normandy to defeat Stalin and they will respect you- they have to, you’re American.
6. Use The Local Slang
One surefire way to fit in is to use some of the saying the locals do. For example, if you find yourself in Australia, make sure you constantly say things like “G’day mate!” or “Throw another shrimp on the Barbie!” If they look at you funny, you obviously aren’t trying hard enough, so yell out something like “A dingo ate my baby!” And then laugh. They will think you’re one of them!
7. Eat At The Finest Restaurants
Once again, you are an American and so you deserve only the best. If the sneaky locals try to sell you on some restaurant you’ve never heard of with a foppish name like Restaurant Le Meurice or Lasserre be sure to scold them and tell them that you demand to be shown to the nearest Applebee’s or TGI Friday’s. They will respect your culinary expertise and will gladly show you the way. If you don’t see at least five deep fried foods on the menu leave immediately.
8. Flash Some Cash
Make sure at all times to have a fat roll of American dollars in your hand. When the locals see this, they will respect you as an American industrialist and will kowtow and see gladly to your every need. If you see a gang of seedy looking youths hanging around, eyeing you and your wife, take out your wallet and show them that you’re loaded. They will be awed by your American affluence and will back right off.
9. Don’t Be Afraid To Ask For Help
You might find it beneath you, but you are in a foreign land, and there’s no shame in asking the locals where to find something. For example, if you find yourself in Amsterdam, don’t be afraid to approach a local police officer and ask him things like “Where are the whores?” and “Where can I find the good weed?” They will help you out with a smile on their face because, again, you’re an American and if it wasn’t for you, they’d all be speaking German and Dutch and other jibberish instead of the American English everyone longs to speak.
10. Be Proud Of Who You Are
A sure way to gain the respect and admiration of the locals is to proudly show off your American heritage. I would suggest wearing a tee-shirt airbrushed with the American flag and a picture of a bald eagle with a saying on the back, something like “Freedom Ain’t Free.” You can accentuate this look with a pair of cutoff jean shorts and an Uncle Sam top hat. If you are carrying a backpack or, really, any sort of bag, make sure you adorn it with American flag decals. Sing the songs of Toby Keith proudly and tell anyone who listens that although they are not as good as you, you’ll always be there to save them whenever they screw up just like they always do. Roll your eyes at them and pat them on the head. They will appreciate your paternalism and will thank God or whatever heathen idol they worship that they have Uncle Sam watching their back, and in return all they have to do is give a little oil and do what they’re told. Everybody wins! And you, my friend, you are an ambassador of that, an ambassador of freedom, and the world loves you for it. Trust me.