Comedy

How to Survive Gathering of the Juggalos

Ahhhhhh yeeeeeah, are you ready ninjas!? It’s that time of year again for you to join your true family for a hellbent weekend of debauchery, poor life choices, and the most insane concert that central Illinois has ever seen. We’ve had a mole in the Insane Clown Posse camp for weeks now, filtering us all the info on what to expect at this year’s Gathering and how to make the most of your Faygo soaked ICP reunion. Consider it your unofficial travel guide to the Dark Carnival.

All sensible logic would dictate that if you’re going to an outdoor festival for several days you should probably bring camping gear, a few changes of clothes, sunscreen and bug spray. F*ck that Ranger Rick sh*t, this isn’t Bonnoroo, hippie. Clear out your car’s trunk and load the sucker up with as much Faygo, beer, illegal substances, lube, and face paint possible. You can always crash with whatever warm body you find yourself dry humping during your acid trip, but once you run out of clown makeup, you’re just another sunburnt dude in a Milenko t-shirt.

Violent J and Shaggy will probably be traveling to Cave-In-Rock, IL by private jet with complimentary strippers and liquor along the way. You will definitely not be. If you’ve lost your driver’s license due to multiple DUIs, your best bet is to find some fellow Juggalos to carpool with. If all else fails, try hitchhiking to the festival. You’ll most certainly be waiting awhile – no sane person would ever pick up a clown faced psycho like yourself. Pass the time by retracing the life steps that led you to this point.

You’ve made it. You’re now in the heart of the Dark Carnival and ready to setup camp (presuming you ignored the previous advice and brought a tent). Consider this your home away from the trailer park. The place where you’ll rest your filthy spider legged head after a long day of bikini wrestling, weed smoking, and semi-consensual relations with complete strangers.

Stake your claim and introduce yourself to your neighbors. Maybe offer up a Slim Jim or if you’re a Jugglette pop out a boob as a gesture of goodwill. These psychos are your friends (and possible future cellmates) for the next few days.

So you forgot your stash and arrived empty handed to the Gathering like some kinda Juggalo rookie, what now? Take two steps out of your tent and look to your left and then to your right. You should see a fellow ninja offering up a full menu of illegal substances no more than 10 feet away from you. Problem solved.

Assuming that you’re not a member of ICP or any one of the performers on the roster this year, your chance of scoring any decent groupie tail is incredibly slim. That doesn’t mean you don’t have a shot at getting some of the lower hanging Juggalette fruit, though.

The Gathering is bound to be crawling with Juggalos and Juggalettes like yourself that are looking to score with any warm and willing body. Simply stumble up to your lady of interest and rattle off your favorite ICP line to impress her, “Your ass is big, and your titties is fat, I wanna f*ck that”. She’s sure to be helpless to your charms and follow you for a moonlit walk and midnight methamphetamine cocktail.

While the main attraction of the Gathering is the Insane Clown Posse weekend ending performance, there are plenty of freakshow events vying for your attention deficit riddled eyes.

Basically, your sideshow entertainment falls into one of these three categories: Naked or Near Naked Women (Faygo wet t-shirt contest, lingerie contest, ladies oil wrestling, Miss Juggalette 2012), Performers Who Desperately Need Cash (fire breathing, magic show, autograph tent, wrestling, late night stand-up comedy), and a Moon Bounce.

Hit up the oil wrestling, get your Rick Flair autograph and end the day by vomiting in the Moon Bounce.

Not only are Insane Clown Posse taking the stage, but they’ve brought along their usual band of clowny freaks; Twitzid and Dark Lotus. They’ve also lined up industrial metal giants Fear Factory, Static X, and freakin’ DMX! Wasn’t that dude still locked up in prison or something??? The entire festival lineup is sure to make your ears bleed and bowels explode, but that’s what you paid for, right?

Stake your claim upfront by arriving early. This way you’ll be close enough to hurl plastic bottles at the musicians when they don’t play your favorite song and you can rest assured that your girlfriend’s tits will not go unnoticed when you convince her to flash’em.

Your non-Juggalo friends, family, and coworkers are undoubtedly going to ask why you’re running off to Illinois for the weekend. Whether you choose to tell them before or after the Gathering, it’s important to not get angry when they burst into tears and doubt their competency as a parent / role model. They may not understand your psycho clown ways, but with enough time and liquor spiked Faygo, you can both come to an understanding of your disappointing lifestyle.

The weekend has ended and somehow you’re not dead. You’ve made so many new friends / sexual partners over these past few days, it’s important that you don’t lose touch with your new Juggalo brethren (especially since you may have impregnated any number of them).

Assuming that you didn’t annihilate too many brain cells and actually exchanged contact info with your new friends, be sure to keep them updated via your chosen social networks. They’ll want to know about the new misdemeanors you’ve acquired and you’ll want to join them in the celebration of any future paternity test results.

Have fun, ninjas! And remember, clown makeup might wash off, but the stain of Juggalo last forever.

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