Fast food companies keep trying to one-up each other with more absurd and borderline threatening food (Look me in the eye and tell me you don’t get nervous just looking at a KFC Double Down). The battle of the belly bulge is far from over and has already given birth to fast food gems like Paula Deen Donut-Cheeseburgers and Fried Butter Balls.
Here are the top 10 most intense, over-the-top, effed-up fast food items from around the world.
1. Pizza Hut’s Crown Crust Cheeseburger Pizza
You know how the whole world is always like, “America is obnoxiously glutinous”? Well I suggest those people take a look at this culinary gem you can only get in Middle Eastern Pizza Huts. The Crown Crust Cheeseburger Pizza takes a regular pizza and replaces the crust with 12 mini-cheeseburgers. If this pizza were a movie it would be Pulp Fiction but with 12 Samuel Jacksons. The only issue with this pizza is why the hell America didn’t think of it first! It’s a pizza with 12 cheeseburgers attached — this masterpiece is the most American thing I have ever heard of! It shoulda been on Wisconsin’s state flag and nicknamed “Lincoln’s Beard.” Instead, you gotta travel all the way to Dubai to eat what should have been a historical piece of Americana.
2. Tesco’s Lasagna Sandwich
You know how sometimes you want lasagna but also want to ride a dune buggy? Well, Tesco has solved that problem with their Lasagna Sandwich. It;s a super simple concept, two pieces of bread surround a slice of Lasagna. Nothing fancy just practical sandwich for people that like to eat lasagna but hate the concept of plates and forks.
3. Coldstone’s Peanut Butter & Chocolate Shake
Not a crazy concept but for sure jaw-dropping. If you get the “gotta have it” size of the Peanut Butter and Chocolate Shake boasts an impressive 2,010 calorie punch. That could feed the Olsen twins for a month!
4. Uno’s Deep Dish Sundae
Vanilla Ice Cream + Chocolate Ice Cream + a chocolate chip cookie baked in a deep dish pizza pan= Uno’s Deep Dish Sundae. That’s right, a deep dish chocolate chip cookie. There is an old indian folk legend that says that every time you eat a Deep Dish Sundae a Bowflex goes in the garbage.
5. Friendly’s’ Grilled Cheese Burger
It’s the Turducken of Sandwiches. A Burger sandwiched in bread who is sandwiched in cheese. The Grilled Cheese Burger takes a standard Friendly’s burger and uses two grilled cheese sandwiches as the buns. This is a great idea from Friendly’s but it isn’t as good as my “Cheese Burger Burger,” which is a cheeseburger whose buns are two full cheeseburgers. Hey, Friendly’s, Call me when you’re ready to compete with the big boys.
7. Domino’s Pasta Bread Bowls
Never again will you have to say “ugh, this pasta was great but I wish I could also eat the bowl!” Dominos took their cheese-packed pasta and stuffed it into an edible bread bowl.
The bad side: One bread bowl takes away six months of your life expectancy.
The good side: With an edible fork and knife there is literally no cleanup involved.
8. KFC’s Double Down
A sandwich without bread. The Double Down consisted of a chicken cutlet, bacon, two kinds of cheese and then another chicken cutlet. Discontinued in Canada, it’s also the only food I found that has its own wikipedia page.
9. Ihop’s Pancake Stackers
It’s a cheese cake sandwich with pancakes as the bread. It’s what Satan and Paula Deen eat for breakfast.
10. Denny’s Fried Cheese Melt
If Denny’s is the patron saint of over-the-top breakfasts than the Fried Cheese Melt is the Sistine Chapel. So what is the Fried Cheese Melt? They take a regular grilled cheese sandwich and stuff it with 4 extra mozzarella sticks. The FCM clocks in at a whopping 895 calories of pure cheesy goodness.
Eitan Levine is a New York City based comic. Follow him on Twitter at @Eitanthegoalie .