Comedy

Top 10 Most F**ked-Up Fast Food Items in the World

Fast food companies keep trying to one-up each other with more absurd and borderline threatening food (Look me in the eye and tell me you don’t get nervous just looking at a KFC Double Down). The battle of the belly bulge is far from over and has already given birth to fast food gems like Paula Deen Donut-Cheeseburgers and Fried Butter Balls.

Here are the top 10 most intense, over-the-top, effed-up fast food items from around the world.

1. Pizza Hut’s Crown Crust Cheeseburger Pizza

You know how the whole world is always like, “America is obnoxiously glutinous”? Well I suggest those people take a look at this culinary gem you can only get in Middle Eastern Pizza Huts. The Crown Crust Cheeseburger Pizza takes a regular pizza and replaces the crust with 12 mini-cheeseburgers. If this pizza were a movie it would be Pulp Fiction but with 12 Samuel Jacksons. The only issue with this pizza is why the hell America didn’t think of it first! It’s a pizza with 12 cheeseburgers attached — this masterpiece is the most American thing I have ever heard of! It shoulda been on Wisconsin’s state flag and nicknamed “Lincoln’s Beard.” Instead, you gotta travel all the way to Dubai to eat what should have been a historical piece of Americana.

2. Tesco’s Lasagna Sandwich

You know how sometimes you want lasagna but also want to ride a dune buggy? Well, Tesco has solved that problem with their Lasagna Sandwich. It;s a super simple concept, two pieces of bread surround a slice of Lasagna. Nothing fancy just practical sandwich for people that like to eat lasagna but hate the concept of plates and forks.

3. Coldstone’s Peanut Butter & Chocolate Shake

Not a crazy concept but for sure jaw-dropping. If you get the “gotta have it” size of the Peanut Butter and Chocolate Shake boasts an impressive 2,010 calorie punch. That could feed the Olsen twins for a month!

4. Uno’s Deep Dish Sundae

Vanilla Ice Cream + Chocolate Ice Cream + a chocolate chip cookie baked in a deep dish pizza pan= Uno’s Deep Dish Sundae. That’s right, a deep dish chocolate chip cookie. There is an old indian folk legend that says that every time you eat a Deep Dish Sundae a Bowflex goes in the garbage.

5. Friendly’s’ Grilled Cheese Burger

It’s the Turducken of Sandwiches. A Burger sandwiched in bread who is sandwiched in cheese. The Grilled Cheese Burger takes a standard Friendly’s burger and uses two grilled cheese sandwiches as the buns. This is a great idea from Friendly’s but it isn’t as good as my “Cheese Burger Burger,” which is a cheeseburger whose buns are two full cheeseburgers. Hey, Friendly’s, Call me when you’re ready to compete with the big boys.

6. Jack in the Box’s Bacon Shake

A bacon milkshake from Jack in the Box. How good is bacon and ice cream in the same cup? Let’s let this lady explain:

7. Domino’s Pasta Bread Bowls

Never again will you have to say “ugh, this pasta was great but I wish I could also eat the bowl!” Dominos took their cheese-packed pasta and stuffed it into an edible bread bowl.
The bad side: One bread bowl takes away six months of your life expectancy.
The good side: With an edible fork and knife there is literally no cleanup involved.

8. KFC’s Double Down

A sandwich without bread. The Double Down consisted of a chicken cutlet, bacon, two kinds of cheese and then another chicken cutlet. Discontinued in Canada, it’s also the only food I found that has its own wikipedia page.

9. Ihop’s Pancake Stackers

It’s a cheese cake sandwich with pancakes as the bread. It’s what Satan and Paula Deen eat for breakfast.

10. Denny’s Fried Cheese Melt

If Denny’s is the patron saint of over-the-top breakfasts than the Fried Cheese Melt is the Sistine Chapel. So what is the Fried Cheese Melt? They take a regular grilled cheese sandwich and stuff it with 4 extra mozzarella sticks. The FCM clocks in at a whopping 895 calories of pure cheesy goodness.

Eitan Levine is a New York City based comic. Follow him on Twitter at @Eitanthegoalie .

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