So little Johnny wants a G.I. Joe and little Jane wants Malibu Barbie, what about a hairy baby doll and phallic action figure instead? Some toys should never see the light of day and should remain on the island of misfit toys where they belong. These are the gifts your kids don’t want to find under the tree this year. That is unless you want them playing Russian roulette in a Cambodian basement when they grow up.
Breastfeeding Baby Doll
Nobody wants to see an 8-year-old breastfeeding a baby.
Jibba Jabber is a doll that makes noises when you shake its neck. You ring its neck even harder to make it shut up. I predict problems down the road of parenthood…
Gelli Baff is a tasteless Jello-like bath of goo for your children to play in. I feel like “bath of goo” really sums up how terrible a product this is.
God Almighty Action Figure
From the Jesus Christ superstore comes the “God Almighty Action Figure”, complete with AK-47 to help kids reign down the almighty’s wrath.
Playmobil Hazmat Figurine Set
Cuz toxic waste is fun!
Let’s just go ahead and say it, the thing looks like a dildo. You really don’t want your daughter having strange flashbacks of this toy when she hits her 20s.
Kabba Kick is the Japanese answer to Russian roulette for kids. Kids place the gun to their head and pull the trigger as pink hippo feet come out and kick them in the noggin. No kick and kids get points for having survived. Pretend suicide has never been so much fun!
Lightning Reaction Extreme
A game of skill and speed, players must hit the light before their opponents or receive an electrical shock. Nothing equals family fun like electrocution.
Give your children the joyful experience of being a third-world means of human transportation with the Mini Rickshaw. Perfect for breeding Western elitism in your little one.
Probably the lamest toy ever invented. Nobody ever enjoyed this toy for more than 45 seconds and you know why it sucks. Moving on…
Granted, little girls will probably love creating their own perfumes with this chemistry set. For everyone else, this gift is like declaring chemical warfare on their sense of smell.
Pole Dance Doll
Little girls love imitating their mothers, but this is only one step away from buying your kid clear platform heels and a Motley Crue dance mix.
Playmobil Security Check Figurines
Playmobil makes its second appearance on the list with this TSA replica of a security check point. Perfect for recreating the fun of a customs cavity search.
Shape Shifter Punisher
Punisher literally has a crotch rocket, did nobody in toy development see the possible issue with this? A big gun is one thing, but c’mon…hey-oh!
It’s a hairy baby that you shave. What kind of childhood ever included such freakish things? Get it together, Japan!
STD Plush Toys
“Hey, my kid’s got herpes! Just kidding!” Why?! Why?! Why?! What kind of weird lifestyle is your 4-year-old exposed to where they need to know about the symptoms of the Clap?
E.T. Finger Light
So many of these things disappeared and were latter found in the nightstand drawers of housewives in 1986.
Vibrating Harry Potter Broom
Sure, tell your kid to stick a vibrating broom in their crotch. Just don’t act surprised when they refuse to let it go and insist on using it when puberty rolls around.
Wolverine Squeak Hammer
Was there really nowhere else they could have put the inflate nozzle? Anywhere else would have been a vast improvement.
My Cleaning Trolley
Help your kids get an early start on those dreams of a career in janitorial services.
Kids Tattoo Gun
This toy is actually pretty awesome. Seriously, inviting your buddies over to tat them up just like your old man and his biker buds do every Friday, it’s nothing but good times!