Hey, Instagramers! Look! It’s a rusty red door next to a blue balloon! Someone take a picture, quick!
JK, Instagrammers. There is no door, but now that I got your attention, we need to talk.
You are ruining food, and that’s like telling pirates not to enjoy pillaging. Pirates LOVE pillaging! That is probably their second favorite thing to do, right behind wearing fancy hats and right above saying “Yo Ho Ho.”
Now before you make a lame artistic argument, let me just say that first, you’re not Ansel Adams with an iPhone, no matter how you frame that photo of your bok choy salad. And secondly, we have proof. Take a look at these 10 photos of Instagram’d food and learn from your mistakes.
1. Guacamole and Poop
Congratulations! You have combined the amazing taste of fresh guacamole with “Chipotle Butt Squirts.” I hope you are happy with your Guac N’ Poop combo on whole wheat.
2. The Worst Pizza in the History of Pizzas
You ruined Pizza. The best food in the world. You doing this to Pizza would be the same as you giving Emma Stone a Mike Tyson-esque face tattoo while she slept. You sick monster.
3. Red Shredded Puke
Gonna be honest, I have no idea what the hell this is. I think it is some meat and peppers combo but it just looks like someone ate a ton of red construction paper and then puked it all up.
4. This Friggin Hamburger
What were you trying to accomplish by posting this picture? The fact that you have terrible taste in food or how you have terrible camera skills? Either way, you deserve to have a food jihad called on you.
5. Uncooked Steak Doused in Weird Gravy Sitting Next to Ugly Potatoes
This picture is the Godfather of terrible instagram pictures. Uncooked steak meets (or shall I say “MEATS”, hiyo.) unappetizing gravy sitting next to a heaping pile of ugly potatoes . Also, there seems to be a brick of cream cheese with red mush on it on the right side of the picture. Ugh.
6. Mushroom with Intestine
This looks like a still shot from one of those cameras that go into your stomach to take pictures to see if you have ulcers.
7. Good Food. Bad Filter.
I put this on the list to prove that you can ruin good food with a bad filter. This food looks GREAT! French fries, a coke and some kind of fried dough? Sign me up! What I hate about this picture is that is makes it look like this food was made in the 70s and was just discovered now. Why did this need a filter? Let the food’s beauty speak for itself! You wouldn’t auto-tune a Beatles album, why put a filter on french fries!
8. Instagramming McDonald’s Does Not Make You Classy
If you take a poop and spray paint it in gold, it is still a poop at the end of the day.
9. The Worst Fish and Chips of All Time
Fried food is awesome. You know what isn’t awesome? Close ups of fried food. French fries are awesome but we don’t want to take a super close look at them. It is kinda like we all love to wear Nike shoes yet don’t really want to know about the children that made them.
10. This Disgrace
Why? Why post this online? Why let the public see this? You make terrible life decisions.
Eitan Levine is a New York City based comic. Follow him on Twitter at @Eitanthegoalie .