Dear Omar Brown,
I’m not gonna candy coat your situation, it has got to suck to be you right now. You are the third string Safety for the Baltimore Ravens. You had 3 tackles during the 2012-13 season, no forced fumbles and no interceptions. You may be a good defensive player in the future but for now you are nothing more than a name to fill a roster spot.
What sucks the most is that you will travel down to New Orleans for possibly the biggest game of your life this week but in all likelihood you will probably not see the field come Sunday. Will you dress for the game? Sure, after all you are part of the team… kinda. But lets be honest, while the game is starting and the players are lining up on the field for the kickoff, you will be testing out the ergonomic support of the far end of the bench.
Not all is bad though, Omar! You get a free trip to New Orleans! NOLA, Nawlins, The Big Easy, Chocolate City. The point is that New Orleans is a cool place to go for vacation and you should totally take advantage of that.
New Orleans has beautiful French architecture, lively jazz music, amazing creole cuisine and I heard that sometimes ladies TOTALLY show you their boobies if you ask politely and throw necklaces at them.
So here is my guide for you, Omar. Here are 5 things you can do in New Orleans to take your mind off the fact that there are people on the coaching staff who still probably don’t know your name. Oh, and by the way, If you are wondering about my credentials as a Nawlins expert, I have watched 1.5 seasons of Treme. You can trust me.
1. Bourbon Street
The only thing richer than the culture in New Orleans is the BAC level of a college girl on Bourbon street. Omar, you can drink your frustrations away on one of the most iconic streets in America! No place in America is more known for its fun times and alcohol than Bourbon street… except for maybe Dina Lohan’s liver.
So drink up! Arnold Palmers are about the only things you will be spiking this weekend!
Eat your emotions away, Nawlins style! Beignets are fluffy square pieces of dough that or deep fried until they puff up. They are then covered in powdered sugar and put onto a white plate (I don’t know if the plate always has to be white but the place I went to had white plates so I am going to go ahead and assume that the plates always need to be white).
In all honesty, you can probably sneak some of those fluffy pieces of comfort food into the stadium during the game. I guarantee no one will notice.
3. Creepy Voodoo Stuff
You know who you probably hate a lot right now? Bernard Pollard, the second string safety. You’ve probably thought about ways to get into the game and the only way in is through Bernard Pollard’s health. You are one Bernard Pollard knee injury away from being one James Ihedigbo concussion away from getting out on that Super Bowl field. Now I know this isn’t likely BUT it definitely is not impossible.
Also, I’m sure you don’t want to cause harm to your teammates, even if it means getting all that fame and glory that comes with a big Super Bowl tackle. The sponsorship deals, the money, the women, the pride. No, none of that is for you, right? Plus it probably doesn’t work anyways so what’s the big deal? So what if you make a doll of Bernard Pollard and James Ihedigbo? So what if you take those dolls and burn them in a fire made from the bones of an old wizard? No harm no foul, right? Right?
4. Jazz Music
According to Treme, Jazz was started by an Indian chief who taught Bunk Moreland from the Wire to play the trombone. Bunk lives in New Orleans which officially makes New Orleans the home of jazz. You can literally just walk into any door you see in New Orleans and I can guarantee that there is going to be a piano with an old cup of whiskey sitting on it. If you are lucky, no one is there so you can steal the whiskey. If you aren’t as lucky, there is someone sitting at the piano playing so at least you get to hear some good music (and then you can try and steal the whiskey while they aren’t looking. Either way, You’re gonna get some free whiskey).
5. Go to a Funeral
For some reason, New Orleans funerals are BALLER. There is dancing, colorful costumes and a guy with a bass drum. I don’t know where the tradition comes from but funerals in New Orleans start as a funeral and then end up as a really colorful conga line through the 9th ward led by the Tulane marching band.
I’m not saying your career is dead BUT I will say that if it was, this the best way to send your career into the great beyond.
So there you have it, Omar. 5 things you can do in New Orleans that aren’t Super Bowl related. Feel free to go crazy this weekend, lord knows you wont have anything else to do until training camp next year.
Eitan Levine is a New York City based comic. Follow him on Twitter at @Eitanthegoalie .