Comedy

Forbes Announces 10 Most Hated Athletes in America

Forbes has a released a list of the 10 athletes Americans hate the most. It’s about to get ugly…

Lance Armstrong
Lance Armstrong

Three years ago Lance Armstrong was nothing short of an American legend. It seemed like every bike race he was in was really just a race for second place, and as far as we were all concerned, when Lance was on the bike he was representing the USA. With seven Tour De France titles to his name, Lance Armstrong wasn’t just the biggest name in biking, he was one of the biggest names in sports. Need proof? I dare you to name the No. 2 ranked cyclist. Wait, even better, I dare you to name another No. 1 ranked cyclist in history. You can’t.

But that was three years and one Oprah interview ago. Accusations of doping led to getting his medals stripped, which led to an Oprah interview. Lance sort of confessed to blood doping and performance-enhancing drug use and instantly became the most hated athlete in America.

Also, he seemed like a total A-hole during his Oprah interview.

Manti Te’o
Manti Teo

No one knows what the hell happened here and just like that troll from Harry Potter, when America gets confused it gets angry.

People hate Manti because they think he lied, but honestly no one knows IF he lied. Theories have surfaced and a prankster has come forward, yet Manti’s name is still smudged by what will go down as the biggest Catfishin’ event of all time.

Tiger Woods
Tiger Woods

Tiger Woods used to have the reputation of being a quiet and (dare I say) boring athlete. He never had a post-game media breakdown or smashed his Ferrari while drunk driving. Then again, he was a golfer, so honestly, what did we expect?

Well, it seems that Tiger had a bit more of a wild side than we expected. According to several reports, Tiger slept with over 120 women during his tenure as “Golf’s Golden Boy.” It seemed like for a month straight, every day several women would come forward and say they had been puttin’ (golf pun!) with Tiger’s Wood (sex pun!).

After the incident, Tiger split with his wife, Elin Nordegren, but has recently attempted to get her back.

Jay Cutler

Imagine that the population of Chicago is a hardened principal with a heart of gold and Jay Cutler is an unmotivated youth with unlocked potential to succeed in life. What I’m trying to say is that Jay Cutler and the Chicago Bears organization are a “Very Special Episode” of Boy Meets World.

Jay is a fairly gifted quarterback who doesn’t seem to care about or even like football. Cutler’s most famous football transgression took place when he famously took himself out of a playoff game because he was “injured.” Cutler’s nonchalant attitude even inspired one of Tumblr’s most viral sports blogs.

Meta World Peace

For a guy who legally changed his name to Meta World Peace, MWP is one angry individual.

Here is a list of things that Meta World Peace has done despite his name:
– Drank alcohol during NBA Games in the lockeroom
– Showed up to practice in a bathrobe
– Destroyed a camera in Madison Square Garden
– Fought Pat Riley
– Started a fight that involved players and fans at a Detroit Pistons game
– Got himself arrested for domestic violence issues in Sacramento

Meta World Peace. Namaste.

Alex Rodriguez
Alex Rodriguez

Albatros. That is the word that Yankee fans most commonly associate with Alex Rodriguez. The outspoken formerly great baseball player is nothing short of a money-suck for an already ailing Yankee squad.

Admittedly, A-Rod was pretty good during his early years on the Yankees (he was signed in 2004). He made it to a handful of all-star games and captured some hitting titles. Sure, he was a bit of a playoff dud but the Yankees as a whole didn’t win a pennant between 2000 and 2009.

He was re-signed in 2007 and has gotten consistently worse every year since then. On top of that, steroids allegations and a revolving door of lady suitors have taken a Steinbrenner-sized dump on his legacy.

He currently has a contract to play with the Yanks until 2017. He will be 42 by the time the contract runs out.

Michael Vick
Michael Vick

C’mon, I think we all know most of America and anybody who’s ever owned a dog hates Vick. Seriously though, f*ck you, Michael Vick.

Kurt Busch
Kurt Busch

I’m going to be honest, I know two things about Kurt Busch.

1. He is a pretty good Nascar driver.
2. He is a grade-A butt wipe and nobody in professional racing likes him.

Just last year he was suspended after the first race of the season for threatening a reporter. Kurt Busch reminds me of that kid in high school that stands outside of 7-Eleven waiting for someone to walk by so that he can yell at them something like “What did you say, brah? Don’t step to me! I’ll go all Vin Diesel on your ass!” Also, I bet Kurt Busch LOVED the Fast and Furious franchise but not because of the racing, because of the “F*ckin’ sweet plotline.”

Kobe Bryant
Kobe Bryant

Someone remind me why Kobe is still playing? Sure, he is still a solid baller, but he seems to really hate playing basketball. Kobe Bryant’s attitude is damaging to the Lakers’ team chemistry and it seems like every week Kobe is in the news coming out against the Laker coaches.

Also, he cheated on his wife and then bought her a bazillion dollar ring, which is bullcrap because most of us men don’t have a bazillion dollars to spend on a ring that guarantees we don’t have to sleep on the couch.

Tony Romo
Tony Romo

Everyone in Dallas should be required to know CPR for the off chance they end up in a room with Tony Romo. Chances are, he will be choking on something.

Let’s start off with the positives here. He had a very good regular season in 2006. Also, he used to go out with Jessica Simpson.

And now the negatives: He has been a perennial disappointment to Cowboys fans every season and has yet to “show up” in the postseason. It isn’t just that he has bad games, it is that he has historically comical playoff screw-ups like ruining the place-holding of (what would have been) a game-winning field goal in 2006 against the Seahawks.

Tony did have a better season this year (thanks in large part to ace receivers like Dez Bryant), but without more playoff wins and a championship ring on that hand, Romo will always be known as the NFL’s No. 1 choke artist.

Eitan Levine is a New York City based comic. Follow him on Twitter at @Eitanthegoalie .

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