Yes, we know, Mr. or Mrs. Big Celeb, Twitter is just such a great way to show your fans that you’re real people. But you’ve got to dial it down a notch. Celebrities are making asses of themselves left and right 140 characters at a time. For the benefit of our famous friends, here are five simple rules to prevent future humiliation.
5: Don’t announce somebody’s death. Seriously, I know that we’re just days away from Armageddon and the fabric of society is unraveling like a cheap sweater, but can we at least pretend to have some decorum? I’m referring, of course, to reality TV strumpet Shanna Moakler, who broke the news to the world that celebrity DJ AM had passed away a few weeks ago. Not a solemn announcement in the newspapers, not a somber private statement from his family, but a bleach-blonde MTV washout Twittering to a legion of idiots. “My deepest condolences for DJ AM, you were a great artist and will be severely missed. My thoughts and Prayers to his family and friends.” I’m surprised she didn’t end it with a few :( :( :( sad faces :(.
4: Don’t serve legal papers on Twitter. Courtney Love, in response to her dead sugar daddy Kurt Cobain’s image being in Rock Band 5: “or f****** dismiss me as a ranting loon a ranting loon with assloads of docxumentation and proof and a “pending” FBI investigation in OC.” Usually, these matters are handled by registered mail on your lawyer’s letterhead, not incoherent babbling at 4AM, but I’ve flunked the Bar twice so I could certainly be wrong.
3: Don’t use ghost writers. Seriously, who is so dumb that they can’t generate 140 characters of content? Well, Britney Spears, for one, who actually advertised for somebody to fill her Twitter with gems like “You Want a Piece of me? Mojo sent Shannon to The Post. The first to order the fried mac and cheese from her gets my ring side seats.” We’re obviously in the wrong business. Or how about 50 Cent? When it leaked that his webmaster was writing his Tweets, dude responded with “He doesn’t actually use Twitter. But the energy of it is all him.” OH RIGHT THE ENERGY OK THAT’S COOL.
2: Don’t blame hackers. Seriously, blaming hackers for stupid Tweets is the new “I got it off a toilet seat.” Lindsay, why the fridge would a hacker get in to your Twitter account and use it to accuse Justin Timberlake of cheating on Jessica Biel? Hackers don’t think like that. Face it, slag: you were hammered, jealous, and your thumbs just started flying. Own up to it and move on. Oh, wait, this is Lindsay Lohan – she’s not moving on to anything.
1: Don’t not be Shaq. Shaquille O’Neill has the celebrity Twitter game on lock. Funny, stupid, and 100% honest, THE_REAL_SHAQ is the only celeb that anybody should follow. From nuggets of wisdom like “Some rumors are planted for a reaction, i dnt react, i act , have u seen kazaam, i kno terrible, lol” to perplexing Zen koans like “I hate leprekons lol,” Shaq is the king of Twitter and we all his humble servants.