Times are tough. All around the world, families are being forced to cut back in order to scrape by in this dilapidated economy. The British Royal Family is no different, and it was recently disclosed that Queen Elizabeth is being forced to make some painful cuts in her family’s spending before they all end up broke and begging on the street like common Polish royals. But what can an already austere, responsible family like the British Royal Family possibly give up? They are already scraping by as it is, but these are tough times, and something’s got to go. Thankfully for all of you, we here at Heavy have just obtained an advanced list detailing the new budget cuts of the Queen and her inbred brood. Here are some excerpts(Note that all financial references will be in dollars. This is because that is the currency of God and of peace):
- The family will apparently save almost $60,000 dollars now that the Queen has ordered her husband, Prince Philip, to fire his personal ball washer, and attend to his own scrotal hygiene. This is controversial due to the fact that the current Royal Ball Washer is the latest in a long line of ball washers who have served the Royal Family since 1310 when Edward II grew tired of washing his own balls.
- The family will also now be saving a reported $750,000 dollars a year thanks to their abandonment of the upkeep of a shrine to the late Princes Diana. This shrine came with its own 24 hour a day band which played Candle in the Wind on a continuous loop as well as a team of jugglers and clowns to entertain the kids.
- Queen Elizabeth has decided to follow her husband’s example and attend to her own grooming needs. This will result in both the sacking of her team of groomers and the selling of an industrial strength weed whacker. The estimated savings run over the $400,000 mark. The Queen, for her part, is reportedly excited to “get back to nature” and to “let the garden grow”.
- The Royal Family will also be saving an estimated $1,000,000 a year paid to the victims of Prince Corky. The Prince, severely retarded, has been successfully kept away from the public spotlight for over 50 years. But occasionally, he will escape from the palace and maraud through the streets, severely beating anyone he finds with his retard strength. Some of these victims have spent as long as three months in a hospital following one of these escapes. The family intends to ensure that Prince Corky doesn’t escape with the purchase of a used cage from the London Zoo, which previously housed a pack of wild gorillas. This in itself is quite costly, but is more than offset by the money that will be saved on medical bills and hush money for the Prince’s many victims.
- Most significant of all, Queen Elizabeth has reportedly authorized the dissolution of her beloved Royal Guard, those famous human statues who vigilantly guard her palace gates. From now on, the gates will be guarded by the family dog, a senile bulldog who pisses on all the rugs and can’t be kept inside anymore. The British press have already joked that this is no way to treat the aging Queen. We, however, are above such nonsense.
This final step will reportedly save the Royal Family anywhere between five and ten million dollars annually, and will allow for such traditions as The Royal Kegger and The 912th Annual Scavenger Hunt for King Arthur’s Bones to continue in the manner to which the Royal Family and all of Great Britain are accustomed. So, fear not, the dignity and splendor of Queen Elizabeth and the British Royal Family are indeed alive and well.