Do you have the power to stare into the eyes of a man and divine what comprises his soul? Can you fathom what drives a man to make the decisions that shape his life by watching videotape of him playing basketball, or imagining your children, who look strikingly like you, making children with his children, who look strikingly like him? Of course not. No one has that power. Fortunately, that makes me as qualified as anyone else to write this guide to LeBron James’ plans for free agency. Here’s a rundown on some of the teams he could end up with:
This would be a pretty sensible choice for LeBron, given that he grew up in nearby Akron, the team’s management has built the team around him, and due to current NBA contract rules they are able to offer him the most money. The only drawback to staying in Cleveland would be staying in Cleveland – Cleveland is like Detroit without the history, or Kabul without the weather. Its biggest selling point is that the river sometimes catches fire. Its biggest export is people with a college degree. That said, the presence of the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame would at least make it easier for LeBron to find MC Hammer’s magic shoes if the city is ever attacked by a toxic river monster made of whack beats.
New York Knickerbockers
Signing with the Knicks would finally give LeBron the chance to have what he’s always wanted: fame! No longer would fans of King James be limited to those willing to wade through the seedy underworld of fan-maintained basketball blogs and Chinese pirate video feeds to watch LeBron play, or read analysis about how he plays. No longer would he be relegated to the back-burners of basketball discussion, pushed aside by the defacto stars of basketball, whoever it is that is on the Knicks right now. (John Starks, maybe? Did they fire him?) Also he would finally get to play for real basketball fans – asshole financiers taking cocaine breaks from bleeding the country dry and pseudo-celebrity members of the ABC-ESPN-Disney industrial entertainment complex.
New Jersey Nets
See previous, except add being turned into a Russian spy and having liquor poured on you by Jay-Z.
Remember when Will Smith made that song about how Miami was the best place in America for rich black guys to have sex with models? Also there’s no state income tax in Florida. I guess what I’m trying to say is that it’s weird the Dolphins aren’t a better football team.
Those yokels in Dallas seem like they might be impressed by his stupid baby-powder move.
Outer Space Monstars
No matter how many championships LeBron wins once he invents a time machine that makes Kobe Bryant 6 years older than him, his career will always be played in the shadow of the greatest to ever play the game, Bugs Bunny. If LeBron ever wants to be considered the best, he has to beat the best, and he knows that. But does he have the humility to share the court with a cartoon monster imbued with the stolen talents of Charles Barkley, or Shawn Bradley? Can he handle working for a meddling owner like Swackhammer? Or will he find a way to lose to the reanimated mummy corpse of Kevin Garnett before he even reaches Jordan and Bugs?
No matter which team he chooses, this is certain to be an interesting free agency period for the best small forward in the game after Kevin Durant and Shane Battier.