The Redemption of Tom Cruise

Tom Cruise

At the MTV Movie Awards, Tom Cruise appeared as Les Grossman, his character from Tropic Thunder. He did a dance number that everyone is going crazy for and now everyone is saying crap like Tom Cruise is back and how the country loves him again.  I say not so fast.  Let’s not forget that this whole thing was done in the guise of the one character that Cruise has played post Couch-gate that’s actually been well received.  This leads me to a new theory: Tom Cruise will indeed be back in the warm embrace of the fickle masses, but only because from now on, he will only appear in public in the guise of one of his famous and popular characters.

Imagine the following sequence of events:

First, Tom goes on the Today Show to make amends with Matt Lauer for labeling him a glib psychologist groupy, only he shows up in the role of Maverick from Top Gun. Tom and Matt develop a strange sexual chemistry a la Maverick and Ice Man from the film and a nation is riveted.  The whole thing culminates in an awkward and homoerotic volleyball match on a fake beach on the set of the Today Show. Anthony Edwards makes a cameo as Goose because he doesn’t have anything better to do.  Everyone goes wild.

Next, Tom goes on Oprah, scene of the famous “Oh my God, I think Tom Cruise just lost his damn mind.  Wait, what the hell is he doing on that couch?” moment.  This time, though, Tom shows up on Oprah as Joel Goodsen, his character from Risky Business. Tom continues his dancin’ fool exploits by dancing around in his underwear while Oprah’s gaggle of hens in the audience hoot and holler.  Tom then has sex with a whore on camera and Oprah spins it as Tom giving back to his fans.

Tom then travels the world on a goodwill tour, adopting one of his famous characters at each stop.  In Las Vegas, he becomes  Charlie Babbitt from Rainman and he spends his time going to various casinos with a local retard that he rents for the day.  In San Francisco, he shows up in a wheelchair as Ron Kovic from Born on the Fourth of July, where he butters up the local hippies.

Taking his tour overseas, Tom adopts the persona of Joseph Donnelly from Far and Away while in Dublin.  There he gets drunk and spends all his time bare knuckle boxing local bums.  In Paris, Tom appears as Ethan Hunt from the Mission: Impossible franchise.  While there, he thwarts a band of international terrorists and then climbs the Eiffel Tower by hand, without a harness or tools.  Everyone is suitably impressed.

Coming back home, though, Tom finally makes the fatal mistake that causes his resurgence to come crashing back down to Earth.  While in New Orleans, Tom takes on the role of Lestat from Interview with the Vampire. Locals are immediately turned off by his arrogance and his insistence that they are worthless mortals.  A national scandal then erupts when he attempts to eat one of them.

Finally, the whole thing comes full circle when, a year from now, Tom appears at the MTV Movie Awards in the guise of Jerry Maguire.  He tells a captive crowd “Help me . . . help you.”  He then befriends a weird, possibly retarded little kid in the audience, macks on the poor kid’s mom and announces that he is leaving Hollywood forever because he can’t take the sleaziness of the film industry anymore.  Cuba Gooding, Jr. then bum rushes the stage, shouts “Show me the money!” over and over again to a puzzled crowd before he is beaten and tossed out of the building.  And with that, the Tom Cruise saga will have come to a strange and yet all too predictable end.

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