FAIL ALERT: Worst Places to Take Your Date on Valentine’s Day

Assuming you had any idea what today was, you probably have a hot date. Or you’re at least pretending to. To help guide you through the maze of heart shaped bullsh*t, here are a few places you might go, but shouldn’t.

Strip Club
strip club date

Unless you’re summoning your inner Benjamin Braddock, this probably isn’t the best route. Don’t get me wrong, glitter paint and boob tassles have their place in a relationship, it’s just not outside the bedroom on Valentine’s Day. If you do end up here, don’t eat at the buffet… I don’t think I need to elaborate on why eating where there are hookers is a bad idea.

Big Game Hunting
Valentines Day Hunging

Hey I get it, you’re in the mood to show off all that man power you’ve been holding back for the past few weeks. What better way than to bag yourself a caribou and strap it to the top of your Subaru. However, while you’re smearing deer urine on your girlfriend’s boots at five in the morning, maybe reconsider. Also chicks like animals, as in when they’re alive and looking cute, not when you dry them out for jerky.

Valentines Day Arcade

Holy crap don’t do this! I’m sure your moves on the Dance Dance Revolution are out of this freaking galaxy, but nothing makes a girl less likely to sleep with you than watching you flip out on the Time Crisis III machine. Possible exceptions if we’re talking old timey skee-ball on a boardwalk somewhere. Otherwise skip the virgin convention.

Bungee Jumping/Jumping Out of a Plane/Shooting Yourself Out of a Cannon
Valentines Day Worst Places

Anything where there’s a significant change of death should really be the title of this one. You may be an adrenaline junkie, and think this could bring you closer together. Well let me save you a day of watching your bff sobbing and pissing themselves, not to mention cursing the day you met. Unless your partner is a stunt double for Burt Reynolds, pass on the extreme.

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Snooty McSnootersons
Valentines Day Worst Places

Yes, that hot little join on fifth avenue is certainly difficult to procure a table at, good thing you slipped the maitre d a bit of extra cheddar. When you arrive you’ll be privy to the herd of other desperate lovers, jammed three inches apart from each other while they force feed a prix fix of crap down your throat. Skip the too cool for school routine and go somewhere you might actually enjoy.

The Club

Any club on Valentine’s Day will be full of two kinds of people. Groups of women who don’t have dates and are desperately trying to prove they don’t need them by drinking gallons of grain alcohol, and sleazy bros trying to pick up on the chicks with alcohol poisoning. Take the bub out of the club or whatever the f@#k that song is.

The Zoo
Valentines Day Worst Places

I know, I know, I said girls love animals. The koala will indeed be adorable, but let me let you in on a little secret. Zoos are the most depressing places on earth. I urge to confirm this by going to your local establishment and wondering if the polar bears realize their igloos are made of cement, or that because of global warming this is probably the future of their species. Mix that in with a melange of zonked out antelopes crapping frantically, and you’ve got yourself the makings of a letdown. Koalas are adorable though, no argument there.

Tattoo Parlor

Don’t do it. Really, it’s a cliche’ and I’m exhausted from just typing it. The only reason I mention it is because people keep doing it. Save yourself some time and throw about a hundred dollars out the window while burning your arm with a curling iron. Presto, same result.

Don’t choke on all the chocolate you’re about to gorge on tonight.

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