The celebrity sex tape has carved out its own little niche in the entertainment world, giving boosts to once faltering careers and even creating its own stars. Yes, from Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee’s boat ride of love to the epic hand cam romances of Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian, celebrity sex tapes are big business. If there’s one way to get your name in all the headlines in these strange and sordid times it is to grab a partner, grab a camera and make your own little independent film. Unfortunately, like every big innovation in Hollywood, it’s only a matter of time before everyone tries to cash in, and sure enough everyone from Screech to Mini-Me to Fred Durst has gotten in on the act. You would think that would be the end of it, but no, Hollywood enjoys nothing more than flogging a dead horse, and sadly there is probably a long way to go before this particular horse is buried. Let’s just hope that it manages to be put to rest long before any of the following crimes against man take place.
1. Rosie O’Donnell. This one should be fairly self explanatory. If you didn’t immediately throw up in your mouth a little bit then you are either a cyborg or Rosie’s significant other. Even then, you probably at least flinched. It wouldn’t even help to close your eyes, either. I want you to imagine the scene. Do it. Do it right now. Close your eyes and imagine the sound of Rosie’s voice as she moans in ecstasy. The only thing left to do is set yourself on fire and wait for the sweet release of death to save you.
2. Dr. Phil. This would probably have some lame and terrible title like Dr. Philgood, and that alone should be enough to make you want to run outside and punch a goat. Unfortunately, there would also be the horrible matter of the tape itself, and if the thought of Dr. Phil dispensing his, uh, advice to some wildebeest on film doesn’t have you reaching for the phone to call a therapist, then you are either a masochist or dead.
3. Paris Hilton. Let’s face it. Paris’ original opus is the Titanic of the sex tape genre. And just like no one needs to see Titanic 2: Revenge of Jack, no one needs to see Paris playing to the camera again. Then again, Paris has had so many video clips leaked of her that by this point a more apt comparison would be Police Academy 6. The first never needed to be made and it’s both cruel and bizarre that anyone would keep making more of them.
4. Jon Gosselin. Sadly, this one seems like a genuine possibility, doesn’t it? Jon Gosselin is kind of the perfect storm of celebrity inanity. He’s famous for being a freak show and nothing else. It’s only fitting that the final cherry on this turd sundae would be a terrible sex tape that would probably lead to mass suicides and the Dow dropping several hundred points as a nation realizes that it has passed the point of no return.
5. Mickey Rooney. Wait. Is Mickey Rooney even still alive? Upon closer inspection, it seems that he is, and at 89 years old, he’s still making movies. Let’s just hope that he sticks to the classics instead of jumping aboard this terrible new wave of cinematic splendor. I would ask you to imagine what such a tape would be like, but I care about you and don’t want your brain to turn into dust and so I won’t.
6. Lindsay Lohan. Sadly, I’m sure that there are still a lot of people out there who would jump at the chance to see this tape, but we here at Heavy are in the business of saving lives, and no one needs to be exposed to the site of Lindsay Lohan in 2009 doing, well, anything. It’s just sad and depressing enough to see a picture of her walking down the street. You can only imagine the night terrors that would ensue if you were forced to watch a tape of her looking like a homeless Skeletor grinding away on some poor fool. You would need your shoelaces taken away and you wouldn’t be allowed to shave with a razor for a few weeks or wear a necktie.
7. Charlie Weis. The former Notre Dame head football coach is in need of work, and although a Weis sex tape would likely just involve him fondling and then going down on a meatball sandwich, it’s still something that no one needs to see. Besides, he has plenty of work lined up for him whenever George Lucas decides to meddle with his beloved Star Wars franchise again and wants a more lifelike Jabba.
8. Hugh Hefner. I just shivered when I thought about this, and I think it’s because it seems like this one might be a real possibility. After all, it’s not like Hef made his name selling issues of Modesty Monthly. And with a bevy of twenty-something girls stepping all over one another to get a shot at Hef and the fame that results, it’s sadly probably only a matter of time before one whispers in Hef’s ear in between spoonfuls of applesauce about the wonders of the hand held camera.
9. Jessica Alba. Just wanted to make sure you were paying attention. Put down the pitchforks. I apologize. A Jessica Alba sex tape would be spectacular.
10. Lassie. Indeed. I went there. You see, it’s only a matter of time before someone gets the idea to take the celebrity sex tape genre to the next level, and unfortunately, in this twisted and terrible world, there is probably someone with a camera right now trying to convince Lassie’s agent to get this thing done. Whether it’s Lassie or the pig from Babe or the horse from Seabiscuit, this would be a horrible thing, and I apologize for making you consider it. I need to go take a bath now. Good Lord.