Tea Party zealots are once again crowing about their ability to topple Republican incumbents in favor of crazy, half-literate Mexican hunters following success in Primaries in both Delaware and New Hampshire. Riding their own brand of peculiar ultra-conservative hysteria, the sort that wallows in the ridiculous idea that white Christians are somehow the oppressed minority in this country, Tea Party activists have somehow risen above the level of say, Tim McVeigh and Ted Kaczynski, and found themselves celebrated much the way that Ross Perot was in the ’90s or like ripped jeans and Aqua Net hairspray were in the ’80s. So, congrats, Tea Partiers, you are officially a fad!
Now, it’s going to take some getting used to, but you’re in for the ride of your lives. Yesterday, you were burning crosses on lawns and trying to find the best pair of dress sweatpants for your night out at Walmart with Cletus, but today, you’re hot stuff. And that means you’re going to have to learn how to deal with the rigors of fame. Thankfully, Heavy’s here to help.
First of all, you’re going to have to learn how to deal with being recognized in public. Thankfully, the white hoods should help. Unfortunately, they will also easily identify you as a Tea Partier. And then you’ll have to deal with teenage girls screaming and chasing after you in the streets for an autograph or a lock of your hair. Those hellcats will cut off your hand if they think there’s even the possibility that it touched Glenn Beck’s hand. And you don’t wanna know what they’ll do with that hand later on.
Second, sure, you’re hot now but fads don’t last forever. Just ask the dudes who invented the Macarena. No one cares who they are now that they’re flipping burgers or working as male prostitutes or dead in a ditch. You have to find something that resonates long term. Sure, petty racism and a hatred of tea are cool today, but you never know about tomorrow. Why not expand your list of grievances to include the Dutch or the Finns? Hey, it’s been a while since Indian bashing was cool. Maybe it’s time for a revival?
Third, don’t let fame change you. Yeah, yeah, it’s fun to party all night with Justin Bieber and the guy who played Mr. Belding, but don’t forget your roots. You’re a hateful maniac, ignorant as hell and proud of it! You don’t want to wake up one day after a night of balling a bunch of black and Mexican hookers and actually feel empathy for them. No! That would be horrible. You don’t want to meet George Lopez and realize that he’s a human being. No! Remember the little people, and by that I don’t mean the midgets. I mean Joe Bob and Billy Ray and that time the three of you cornholed a Guatemalan for daring to work twelve hours in the hot sun picking blueberries. The nerve of some people.
Fourth, remember to give back. You’re famous now and you have to make sure you use that fame to educate young people about the issues. So what if you don’t understand the issues? That hasn’t stopped you from bellowing like some retarded sea cow about it so far, so why stop now?
Fifth, be a good role model. For too long the culture of America has been dominated by the Liberal Jewish media, with their manufactured heroes like Woody Allen and Spiderman. Kids today are all running around in the streets wanting to be Alan Dershowitz and Chaim Potok. If you don’t teach them to be hateful racists now, then where will they learn? It’s time to give back.
So there you have it, Tea Party members. The world has opened its heart up to you. You are this generation’s Pet Rock. You are this new decade’s Chia Pet. Enjoy your fame. We look forward to seeing you on VH1 in a few years after your sex tape with Screech hits the streets and reminds us that you existed once upon a time. We’ll shake our heads and we’ll laugh and we’ll ask ourselves “What were we thinking?” We’ll move on. But you, Tea Party, after all the fame is gone, will still have your racism and you’ll still have your ignorance and nobody can take that away from you.