It’s October! Do you feel the excitement in the air, nipping at your skin like the first chilly pinpricks of Fall? Hear the excited din of children’s voices, raised in shrill enthusiasm over the promise of candy? Feel the rustle of racks full of cheap costumes – officially licensed from Hollywood’s worst sins against taste and common sense – breezing down the department store aisles like a rush of autumn leaves? Find yourself endlessly subjected to the new girl in HR telling you about how she’s going to dress as a sexy vampire or a sexy saloon girl or a sexy sex offender tor a sexy something-as-long-as-it’s-sexy this year? It can be only one thing – Halloween!
Yes, Halloween – it’s come around again this year, even though you showed it the door twelve months ago. You thought you’d washed your hands of it last year – you remember last year, right? Wasn’t that the year that you taped empty candy wrappers and 20 ounce Big Gulp containers to your shirt and went to the Halloween party as the floor of a movie theater? Or was that the year you went to the parties with playing cards falling out of your pockets and called yourself “52 pickup”? Or was it the year you ruined your sister’s least favorite party dress so you could go under the shroud of the most exotic of all Halloween disguises, a lady?
Yes, let’s face it, it’s Halloween again and you are simply one of those people who just doesn’t really try. In the costume department, you are a fizzle, and you have left behind you a trail of lame so-called “costumes”, a legacy of jeans and a t-shirt representing “an astronaut … on his day off”, of flannel shirts turning you into a lumberjack, or just wearing whatever crummy uniform they make you wear at your lousy day job and going as that.
But then again, who wants to try? Who wants to put all the effort into making an original or exciting costume? Who wants to bother with all the designing, all the buying of supplies, all the sewing or gluing or soldering and amateur carpentry? It’s a lot of work, and what does it get you? Nothing, just some “oohs” and “aahs” and the occasional “I get the joke” from some a-hole.
You know who tries? The TRON guy tries. That weird, fat dude who made a screen-accurate TRON costume, THAT guy TRIED. That would be your peer, that would be your brother in trying – the TRON guy. The TRON guy and a bazillion fat Wolverines from any American comic book convention.
So with all of that in mind, why burden yourself with the hassle of actually trying – let’s get you to your Halloween parties on a shoestring budget of imagination with some costume ideas for people who have just given up the ghost that they can’t even be bothered to make out of an old bedsheet:
IDEA #1: Look Around You
The half-assed effort of putting together a crummy costume can be multiplied to full-assing with the addition of just a little multi-tasking – if you make your costume out of crap you have lying around your apartment, you get the additional benefit of picking up around the place a little. Experts call this “Synergy.”
Got a lampshade and a spare extension cord you can leave trailing out of your pocket? Great, you’re a lamp. Stuff a book halfway down the front of your pants and carry around some half-finished drinks, boom, you’re a coffee table. If you can’t find a book, just carry the glasses and go as a coaster.
Sheets are an easy way to get out of the whole costume situation, either tied in a toga to make one a Roman or with a couple of clumsily cut holes to make one a ghost. Don’t have any plain white sheets? No problem, use flannel sheets to become a Roman lumberjack, or a fleece comforter to become the ghost of a lamb.
IDEA #2: The Big Lebowski
The low-hanging fruit of actual costume-based costumes. Sunglasses, bathrobe, stoned, drinking a White Russian (although you’ll probably have to go out and buy a bathrobe, you lazy pig). Face it, if you ever have dressed as The Dude, it’s because you’re not trying. (Fat guys can go as Walter, because most fat guys already own photographer’s vests)
IDEA #3: Keep It Conceptual
You don’t feel like putting in the effort to come up with a good costume. Ta-daa, you’re Apathy. This trick also works for Laziness, Disdain , Lameness and, later in the evening, Drunk, Inappropriately Affectionate and Ejected From The Party.
IDEA #4: Involve Your Friends and Family
Listen, your friends wouldn’t be your friends if they didn’t share your lack of general interest in anything and absence of enthusiasm for life. As for your family, well, you must have gotten these behavioral disorders from somewhere, and inasmuch as mom and dad are as likely a pair of culprits as anyone, your siblings probably share them with you. So, with all of that in mind, why not fail to try … as a group?
Here’s an idea: Do you come from a big family? Are they, because of their ages, all increasingly shorter than the last? Perfect! Tie identical bandanas around your heads, put on some matronly aprons and you can go as Russian Nesting Dolls.
Alternatively, walk around all night with your head resting on the small of a friend’s back and your hands resting on their hips, congratulations, you’re a naked horse! This costume comes in particularly handy if you’ve had too much to drink and legitimately need to hold onto another human being to keep from falling down.
Lastly, if you have a first cousin of the opposite sex, try going as first cousins who have harbor an unnatural desire for one another. Walk around looking nervous and ashamed, get overtly jealous if anyone tells you that your cousin is good-looking. Possible bonus: After a few trips to the punchbowl, the acclimated dry ice fumes and supermarket vodka might lower your natural inhibitions enough that you’ll actually get to eff your first cousin… you sick piece of crap (PS – Be sure to write about it to Hustler).
IDEA #5: The Mall, Let’s Check It Out!
Here’s a plan – go to your local mall, where you will find no shortage of stores selling “gag” t-shirts which declare in puffy orange lettering, amidst a flurry of cartoon candy corn and merry illustrated jack-o-lanterns, that this … this ramshackle, last-minute, nihilistic excretive output of some lame-ass greeting card company somewhere in the godforsaken Midwest, this t-shirt declaring “THIS IS MY COSTUME” … this IS your costume. Congratulations! You’re going as a douchebag.