Well, it’s official. Lance Armstrong cried on Oprah’s shoulder and admited he juiced up more than Barry Bonds at a smoothie bar. Thus, cycling might be out of the picture for a while. Thankfully he is qualified for several other positions where cheating and ethics are a bit lax. Here are 10 jobs where Lance’s cheating past might actually be a positive.
Sometimes you do whatever it takes to win. Sometimes that takes a metal chair to the back of the head.
Factory Dairy Farmer
Dean of an Online College
nunquam adepto ligatio.
That’s latin for don’t get caught.
I’m gonna be the first one to call this, and say this is actually gonna happen. Give it like two years before we hear about how, “Lance has turned a corner, and has all the skills needed to be a welcome addition to the team.” Everyone loves a comeback.
Real Estate Agent
Hey, maybe I said there was a pool, maybe I meant the water heater has been leaking for the past three months. Always Be Closing.
Think the man can spin bad news? He didn’t admit to doping, even when he admitted to doping.
I’m not gonna pretend like this one has any basis other than his familiarity with steroids, but it was worth it just to pin that freaking beard on him.
Those press conferences would be way more fun if they went something like this. Open hostility towards the media in the face of overwhelming proof, oh yeah, that’s the good stuff.
Seriously, the guy won seven damn tours before anyone did anything about this. That’s a poker face for the ages.
Let’s just say the guy knows when to bend the rules a bit to get the results that are necessary. Armstrong will fight for you and get you the money you deserve!