Comedy

Lance Armstrong’s Next Job: 10 Shady Careers That Fit His Resume


Well, it’s official. Lance Armstrong cried on Oprah’s shoulder and admited he juiced up more than Barry Bonds at a smoothie bar. Thus, cycling might be out of the picture for a while. Thankfully he is qualified for several other positions where cheating and ethics are a bit lax. Here are 10 jobs where Lance’s cheating past might actually be a positive.


WWE Referee
lance armstrong wwe

Sometimes you do whatever it takes to win. Sometimes that takes a metal chair to the back of the head.


Factory Dairy Farmer
lance armstrong, other jobs

You can criticize the use of BGH all you want, all I know is that Lance’s cows would be putting out more milk than the octomom.


Dean of an Online College

nunquam adepto ligatio.
That’s latin for don’t get caught.


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Oprah Winfrey has finally interviewed Lance Armstrong for the most anticipated doping confession sports has ever seen.

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USADA
Lance Armstrong USADA

I’m gonna be the first one to call this, and say this is actually gonna happen. Give it like two years before we hear about how, “Lance has turned a corner, and has all the skills needed to be a welcome addition to the team.” Everyone loves a comeback.


Real Estate Agent
Lance Armstrong real estate

Hey, maybe I said there was a pool, maybe I meant the water heater has been leaking for the past three months. Always Be Closing.


Political Analyst

Think the man can spin bad news? He didn’t admit to doping, even when he admitted to doping.

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Drug Dealer
Lance Armstrong drug dealer

I’m not gonna pretend like this one has any basis other than his familiarity with steroids, but it was worth it just to pin that freaking beard on him.


Press Secretary
lance armstrong press secretary

Those press conferences would be way more fun if they went something like this. Open hostility towards the media in the face of overwhelming proof, oh yeah, that’s the good stuff.


Professional Gambler
lance armstrong gambler

Seriously, the guy won seven damn tours before anyone did anything about this. That’s a poker face for the ages.


Attorney
lance armstrong attorney at law

Let’s just say the guy knows when to bend the rules a bit to get the results that are necessary. Armstrong will fight for you and get you the money you deserve!

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