The big news over the weekend, news that reverberated across the world and caused us all to reevaluate our lives and our priorities, is that Nobel Prize winning scientist Tila Tequila was attacked by a horde of angry face painted wild men at the 2010 Gathering of the Juggalos.
Naturally, when one thinks of Juggalos, one thinks of a brilliant astrophysicist like Tila Tequila. Therefore, it’s a great mystery why she would be attacked in the middle of what I’m sure was an awe-inspiring lecture about dark matter, quarks, and of course, magnets. Maybe the Juggalos thought she was a witch? I mean, after all, her theories on electromagnetism and its relationship with Earth’s orbit are both groundbreaking and radical. Perhaps the Juggalos are just more orthodox in their views.
We just don’t know. But we here at Heavy believe in seeking out the truth, much like Tila Tequila herself, and although we are not as well versed in the nuances of astrophysics like Ms. Tequila, we are in possession of a phone, and we used that phone to get a hold of a man who would only call himself Juggalo Jizzy Jay. (Note: we later came into possession of some documents which suggested that “Juggalo Jizzy Jay” was actually either Nelson Mandela or Stephen Hawking, but we were unable to confirm this. Therefore, his identity remains officially unknown.) We asked Juggalo Jizzy Jay what happened on that fateful day and he gave us the full scoop. And now, here, for the first time, is a transcript of that phone call:
Heavy: Mr., uh, Jizzy Jay? Can you tell us what happened to Tila Tequila?
Juggalo Jizzy Jay(JJJ): Yo! What up? You believe we talkin’ on a phone? A phone, yo! This thing right here is phat – P-H-A-T – phat. I talk, you talk and we can hear each other, yo! Man, you gotta tell me, how does this s*** work?
Heavy: Uh . . .
JJJ: Yo, yo, never mind, I got somethin’ to say about that Tila Tequila. I was hangin’ with my boys, Fat Fred and Midget Mike – or was it Fat Mike and Midget Fred? And we was all rockin’ out, high as hell on some skunk weed Midget Mike smuggled in in his ass. We was all laughin’ ’cause Fat Fred just passed out after doing a buncha whippets, and then this weird lookin’ ho jumped up on stage and started writhin’ around.
Heavy: And this was Ms. Tequila?
JJJ: Yeah, that was the broad. Anyway, my boy Midget Mike started hollerin’ at her ’cause she was blockin’ his view of the show, but I noticed that she had some big ol’ (note: JJJ used an offensive term for the word breasts here but we have edited it because we are better than that.) Anyway, I started yellin’ at her to get ‘em out, you know?
Heavy: Of course.
JJJ: But then she looked right at me, and I don’t know if it was the drugs or what, yo, but I swore she was a damn alien.
Heavy: An alien?
JJJ: Hell yeah. She had these weird eyes and her head was all crazy shaped, like one of them aliens from the X-Files or somethin’. Not like an Independence Day or Predator alien – I mean, she didn’t have, like, tentacles or anything but like one of them little gray dudes. You know?
Heavy: Uh . . .
JJJ: Anyway, I got all freaked out, you know? I don’t need to be hauled up into some space ship and probed or whatever. But I kept on watching her because, well, I like boobs, even space boobs, you know?
JJJ: So then she finally got them things out, and . . . damn, I don’t know if I can continue.
Heavy: It’s okay, just take your time.
JJJ: Okay, so she got ‘em out, and, my man, I don’t know what the hell those things were. I mean, they was shaped like boobs, but they was hard as hell, like she had two soccer balls or somethin’ stuffed in there. I started to panic and then some dude told me that they was filled with somethin’ called sillycone. I was all “What the hell is sillycone?”
Heavy: You mean silicone?
JJJ: Yeah, yeah, sillycone, that’s what I said. Anyway, that sounded like some space s*** to me, you know? I started freakin’ out and screamin’ and I felt it was my duty to let everyone know that this thing was an alien. And that’s when she or it or whatever got all pissed off and started shrieking in some horrible language.
Heavy: She wasn’t speaking English?
JJJ: I didn’t know what the hell it was. It was all high pitched and crazy. I just wanted it to stop before someone’s head exploded or somethin’. I mean, I thought maybe there was some kinda weird signal in there like in the movies that would make a dude’s head explode, and . . .
Heavy: So then what happened?
JJJ: Right. Anyway, so I picked up a rock and threw it at the alien. I was just doin’ my part to save Earth.
Heavy: So you threw the first rock?
JJJ: Right on. And then some other dudes started throwin’ stuff too and pretty soon the alien was all bleedin’ and then we chased its freaky ass back to a trailer. The cops came and I tried to tell them what happened but they wasn’t havin’ it. I thought I’d get a medal or somethin’ for saving Earth, you know?
Heavy: Of course.
JJJ: Later on, we found out it was this Tila Tequila or whatever and me and my boys found some pictures of her. Midget Mike said she looked hot but I thought she still looked kinda weird, but then Tom Green showed up and we was all DAMN TOM GREEN, and . . .
Heavy: Okay, thank you.
JJJ: Yo, am I gonna get that reward money you promised me when . . .
At that point the line inexplicably went dead. We here at Heavy aren’t entirely sure what happened and we have our best men looking into it, but for now, that’s all we have. Maybe there’s more to the story. Maybe not. But finally, we have at least a vague idea what happened to Tila Tequila at the Gathering of the Juggalos.