You Can Now Pay Facebook $7 to Make You Feel Like Less of a Loser

It’s everybody else who’s wrong, I’m really witty and interesting, there’s some problem with other people not “liking” my status. Now Facebook has a solution for me, and every other loser like me. If I pay them a reported $7, Zuckerberg and his friends will promote my brilliant status updates.

According to a blog post this morning, Facebook began rolling out this option to general users in New Zealand in May, but now U.S. users can partake of the useless service. It’s all a part of the social-network giant’s efforts deflect attention away from its awful IPO performance earlier this year. So underneath that picture you took of your dinner before you ate it or the check-in of you in a public toilet in a local park, alongside “like” and “comment,” there is now “promote.”


According to TechCrunch, most of your status updates are only seen by 12-16 percent of your friends, whereas a “promoted” post will ensure it appears in the feed of all of your friends.

A force feed, if you will.

Facebook maintains that the service will be used for good causes such as missing persons, the need for organ donors, or, ehh, garage sales?

Here are the Top Five Posts we believe will be promoted first:

1. Hey! [Insert Name Here] How come you don’t love me anymore?

2. Can [Insert Name Here] Please return my calls. I’ve done the test, it’s yours.

3. Please come to my birthday party!

4. I’m sooooo bored!

5. Please share [Insert YouTube Video of crap acoustic sentimental ballad]

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